Friday, July 8, 2011
New Blog, Homies!
We here at TUQS have started a new chapter in the book of life, and will avoid writing another in the book of death... we miss Charles too. At any rate, we have added a new cast member, making our merry crew a group of four, and have started a new blog. This new blog can be found Here and will provide you with all the "Movie Reviews" that you want, with the the belligerent hilarity you remember from us. Hope you enjoy the new blog, and we'll see you on the other side!
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Wombats Farewell Tour
This is the end, of the end, of the end. This is our final frontier, our final frontal shot, ladies and gentlemen, our farewell tour so to speak. We tried to get the Hell's Angels to work security but apparently it is rather expensive to have innocent people beaten severely; unless you call the cops, that is.
"My only regret is that the crime wasn't perpetrated by MC Hammer, at least he would have known he can't touch this."
--Judge, Michael Jackson Molestation Trial
"Atlantis: An incredibly technological world brought down by its technological avarice and sunken to the bottom of the great Neptunian sea."
--Plato's Thoughts on Japan
"Dude, shaking it more than twice is just playing with yourself."
--George Michael
"Some people say I look like Ray Charles, but neither of us sees the resemblance."
--Stevie Wonder
"Ooooh! I've never been stabbed like that before! Et TU BRUTE!(Lisp)"
--New Gay Musical "Julius Caesar: From Fags to Riches"
"IT'S A MAP!!! OUR PHASERS CAN'T REPEL MEXICANS OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!"
--Admiral Ackbar on Illegal Immigration
"Cookies! Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!"
--Donald Trump's Hair
"You have a question, and I have an answer;
Skip-diddly-do, you've got cancer."
--Dr. Seuss, MD.
"I can't believe I'm going to ride on an airship, it's going to go down like the...uh..."
--Hindenburg Passenger
"
"We have quoted through rain and sun, night and day; we will quote until the day we die, and for a few days after. We have fed you alot of information, most of which is outright false, so with that in mind we have decided to say goodbye with one real piece of knowledge: Don't believe everything you read, especially if it is in quotations."
-Cocky Rhis, Fax Mench, and Lyin' Bree; The Unquoted Speakers
"My only regret is that the crime wasn't perpetrated by MC Hammer, at least he would have known he can't touch this."
--Judge, Michael Jackson Molestation Trial
"Atlantis: An incredibly technological world brought down by its technological avarice and sunken to the bottom of the great Neptunian sea."
--Plato's Thoughts on Japan
"Dude, shaking it more than twice is just playing with yourself."
--George Michael
"Some people say I look like Ray Charles, but neither of us sees the resemblance."
--Stevie Wonder
"Ooooh! I've never been stabbed like that before! Et TU BRUTE!(Lisp)"
--New Gay Musical "Julius Caesar: From Fags to Riches"
"IT'S A MAP!!! OUR PHASERS CAN'T REPEL MEXICANS OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!"
--Admiral Ackbar on Illegal Immigration
"Cookies! Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!"
--Donald Trump's Hair
"You have a question, and I have an answer;
Skip-diddly-do, you've got cancer."
--Dr. Seuss, MD.
"I can't believe I'm going to ride on an airship, it's going to go down like the...uh..."
--Hindenburg Passenger
"
"We have quoted through rain and sun, night and day; we will quote until the day we die, and for a few days after. We have fed you alot of information, most of which is outright false, so with that in mind we have decided to say goodbye with one real piece of knowledge: Don't believe everything you read, especially if it is in quotations."
-Cocky Rhis, Fax Mench, and Lyin' Bree; The Unquoted Speakers
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Religious Love Songs
So if you all didn't know this, Lionel Richie is huge in the MIddle East. It makes sense, ever heard his song, "All night Long (I'm killing infidels)". SO we went that direction and made muslim love songs in honor of Lionel Richie. And then we kept that up by making love songs for all religions. Enjoy:
"I can see your ankles and it feels so right.
Let me take off your bhurka and rock your world tonight"
--Muslim Love song
"I wanna talk... to your burning bush...
Lemme part your C"
--Jewish Love song
"Baby, I've found your promised land and seen the light.
I'm David, you're Goliath and I'm taking you down tonight"
--Jewish Love song
"I'm gonna give it to you
And it's gonna be great.
You thought I'd only last a day
And I went for 8."
--Jewish Love songs
"I'm drilling you tonight"
--Muslim Love song
"Baby, I love you, and you, and you, and you, and you you you, and you too."
--Morman Love song
"I love you so much, but
Everyone says that I'm the fool.
But lemme pick you up tonight,
From your elementary school."
--Catholic Love song
"I wanna die and be brought back inside of you"
--Hindu Love song
"I can see your ankles and it feels so right.
Let me take off your bhurka and rock your world tonight"
--Muslim Love song
"I wanna talk... to your burning bush...
Lemme part your C"
--Jewish Love song
"Baby, I've found your promised land and seen the light.
I'm David, you're Goliath and I'm taking you down tonight"
--Jewish Love song
"I'm gonna give it to you
And it's gonna be great.
You thought I'd only last a day
And I went for 8."
--Jewish Love songs
"I'm drilling you tonight"
--Muslim Love song
"Baby, I love you, and you, and you, and you, and you you you, and you too."
--Morman Love song
"I love you so much, but
Everyone says that I'm the fool.
But lemme pick you up tonight,
From your elementary school."
--Catholic Love song
"I wanna die and be brought back inside of you"
--Hindu Love song
Friday, January 28, 2011
"Mommy, where do quotes come from?"
YES anonymous student! We have heard your lack of calls, regardless, we are telepathic, and read your lack of thoughts. In the words of Young MC, 'you want it, you got it' (actual quote). Here at TUQS, we've been getting away from what makes us unique and what put us on the map. Well, the donkey shows too, but I really meant the fake quotes. And we've had several quotes recently rejected by Prof. 8... (see what we did there? HA! We're hilarious. But I'm sure the two people reading this knew that.).. even the quotes that had to do with sports, and to be honest, we were positive he wouldn't get those... Because he's gay. If you're in 4th period you might have seen a couple which were erased before the other kids could read em. We've had 5 quotes erased in 2 days, and Friday the door to his room was locked so we couldn't write a quote. Oh, and I figured out how to make my penis 9 inches. Fold it in half. Enjoy.
"Wait... You mean this isn't the Ride-Her cup?"
--Tiger Woods
"The State of my Union? Erect."
--Barack Obama
"I asked a lot of Jets fans if I would score tonight and they all said 'no'. Too bad I never take 'no' for an answer."
--Ben Roethlisberger
"Baby, you're doing it all wrong! If we're gonna go to the Motorhead concert you gotta head bang like THIS..."
--Virginia Lacrosse player George Hugueley (jokes are always funnier when you explain them)
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I didn't say very nice things in my book, My panzer is double-parked, I stole a pack of gum at the convenience store, and... Yeah that's about it."
--Hitler
"We're gonna need a bigger boat. And preferably more sea men"
--From the movie 'Gay Jaws', which, well, I think the title is a good enough description
"#34) I never win at Monopoly
#87) My iTunes got deleted
#19) The Nets stink
#95) ED
#65) I wasn't as satisfied with Over The Hedge as I thought I'd be
#8) I can't find a good place that offers harmonica lessons
#71) Ate Ice Cream too fast, now I have brainfreeze
#55) I regret leaving my old rap group with my bff PB"
--Some of Jay-Z's other problems
"No no no! I wasn't selling my son to play football, I was selling him to fellate the highest bidder!"
--Pimp Cecil Newton
"The biggest problem facing America is the lack of jobs. Specifically, the lack of rim jobs."
--Barack Obama
"Ankles 4"
--Muslim Porn
"Wait... You mean this isn't the Ride-Her cup?"
--Tiger Woods
"The State of my Union? Erect."
--Barack Obama
"I asked a lot of Jets fans if I would score tonight and they all said 'no'. Too bad I never take 'no' for an answer."
--Ben Roethlisberger
"Baby, you're doing it all wrong! If we're gonna go to the Motorhead concert you gotta head bang like THIS..."
--Virginia Lacrosse player George Hugueley (jokes are always funnier when you explain them)
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I didn't say very nice things in my book, My panzer is double-parked, I stole a pack of gum at the convenience store, and... Yeah that's about it."
--Hitler
"We're gonna need a bigger boat. And preferably more sea men"
--From the movie 'Gay Jaws', which, well, I think the title is a good enough description
"#34) I never win at Monopoly
#87) My iTunes got deleted
#19) The Nets stink
#95) ED
#65) I wasn't as satisfied with Over The Hedge as I thought I'd be
#8) I can't find a good place that offers harmonica lessons
#71) Ate Ice Cream too fast, now I have brainfreeze
#55) I regret leaving my old rap group with my bff PB"
--Some of Jay-Z's other problems
"No no no! I wasn't selling my son to play football, I was selling him to fellate the highest bidder!"
--Pimp Cecil Newton
"The biggest problem facing America is the lack of jobs. Specifically, the lack of rim jobs."
--Barack Obama
"Ankles 4"
--Muslim Porn
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Diary of Livingston Spünhandel
After I put up the diary of Monty Stillwell a few days ago, Max approached me and asked me to run a diary page that he had found. It was rather tough, as the only remaining copy of it is tattooed onto the back of his knee, an area of the body which I'm now naming the "Chassle", not to mention it was in a mix of Latvian and Urdu. Luckily, I'm fluent in both. Izbaudiet pastu and اقوام متحدہ کے حوالے - سپیکر نے بم diggoty ہے
Where to begin. My name is Livingston Spünhandel and I would like to tell my story before the force-fed tuna that is slowly making its way through my digestive track kills me due to mercury poisoning. Damn you Simon and Garfunkel!
Anyways, it all started a few years back when I was moving to Rhode Island to become a preacher in a church that was on a corner of a dirty street in a corner of a dirty part of town that was basically the spitting image of the rest of Rhode Island. So to sum it up, this church was a real “Hellhole.” After living in an apartment complex that looked like the Brady Bunch (and no I don’t mean where they lived), I contracted polio from a pirate I met, at least I think he was a pirate, unfortunately he was mauled by a bear and had to be taken back to live on a watermelon farm with his mother, who ironically, was also a bear!
Four months into the whole “preaching the word” gig I made a startling discovery that I was, in fact, God himself! After I came to this fantastic revelation I quickly told the first person I saw, but the man didn’t say much (because of what I called being “star struck”) because he had this chronic disorder called Death.
I started to change things immediately, for instance, I made the laws of fractions change so that they would now be based on favoritism. I then transported myself to the nearest helicopter and turned half of Korea (the much larger and prettier half) into party favors so that they would finally be useful to the rest of us who were lacking things like, tiny erasers with smiley faces, and stale bubble gum.
After many long trying years, one to be exact, I became a free lance artist who painted things like oceans, things in the ocean, and things fornicating in the ocean. This collection came to be known as “God's mistakes”, and shortly after they were all burned to keep people warm because I had turned the sun into a slice of macaroni cheese cake (I didn’t think through that one......I should have made it into something spicier).
Half of a half of a decade had past and I had no friends, I heard voices, and people stared at me all the time. It was torture. I decided I didn’t want to deal with it anymore and tried to kill myself, but I forgot that my only Kryptonite was immortality.
What was I to do? I began making friends (I obviously missed some ingredients) but all I got was a Lobster, a little league baseball team, and a filing cabinet. The filing cabinet became my best friend because he was extremely organized and always told me that my hair looked fabulous.
Several years later, Shaun (the filing cabinet) and I were traveling the east coast of Idaho (because I had moved Idaho to the middle of the arctic ocean) when we decided to take a swim. Unfortunately, Shaun never returned because of something called “The laws of Physics” and I couldn’t bring him back because of something called “inanimate objects”, which was also the name of an adult film I later tried to produce starring Simon and Garfunkel, but the movies main soundtrack was anti-semitic and seeing as how they were both gay Jewish mermaids, they strapped me to the back of a vespa with 400 pounds of Tuna in my stomach and now I am slowly dying. It’s okay though because I turned Simon and Garfunkel into staplers and then I stapled the whole two dollars they had made off there career together and called it quits.
I’m glad that I can finally die and stop dealing with all of these stupid people. The thing is, I finally figured out that the only thing that can kill me is “fresh” tuna in a can. I guess I never thought of making the rest of the world smarter. Damn it. I’m such a god damn idiot.
Where to begin. My name is Livingston Spünhandel and I would like to tell my story before the force-fed tuna that is slowly making its way through my digestive track kills me due to mercury poisoning. Damn you Simon and Garfunkel!
Anyways, it all started a few years back when I was moving to Rhode Island to become a preacher in a church that was on a corner of a dirty street in a corner of a dirty part of town that was basically the spitting image of the rest of Rhode Island. So to sum it up, this church was a real “Hellhole.” After living in an apartment complex that looked like the Brady Bunch (and no I don’t mean where they lived), I contracted polio from a pirate I met, at least I think he was a pirate, unfortunately he was mauled by a bear and had to be taken back to live on a watermelon farm with his mother, who ironically, was also a bear!
Four months into the whole “preaching the word” gig I made a startling discovery that I was, in fact, God himself! After I came to this fantastic revelation I quickly told the first person I saw, but the man didn’t say much (because of what I called being “star struck”) because he had this chronic disorder called Death.
I started to change things immediately, for instance, I made the laws of fractions change so that they would now be based on favoritism. I then transported myself to the nearest helicopter and turned half of Korea (the much larger and prettier half) into party favors so that they would finally be useful to the rest of us who were lacking things like, tiny erasers with smiley faces, and stale bubble gum.
After many long trying years, one to be exact, I became a free lance artist who painted things like oceans, things in the ocean, and things fornicating in the ocean. This collection came to be known as “God's mistakes”, and shortly after they were all burned to keep people warm because I had turned the sun into a slice of macaroni cheese cake (I didn’t think through that one......I should have made it into something spicier).
Half of a half of a decade had past and I had no friends, I heard voices, and people stared at me all the time. It was torture. I decided I didn’t want to deal with it anymore and tried to kill myself, but I forgot that my only Kryptonite was immortality.
What was I to do? I began making friends (I obviously missed some ingredients) but all I got was a Lobster, a little league baseball team, and a filing cabinet. The filing cabinet became my best friend because he was extremely organized and always told me that my hair looked fabulous.
Several years later, Shaun (the filing cabinet) and I were traveling the east coast of Idaho (because I had moved Idaho to the middle of the arctic ocean) when we decided to take a swim. Unfortunately, Shaun never returned because of something called “The laws of Physics” and I couldn’t bring him back because of something called “inanimate objects”, which was also the name of an adult film I later tried to produce starring Simon and Garfunkel, but the movies main soundtrack was anti-semitic and seeing as how they were both gay Jewish mermaids, they strapped me to the back of a vespa with 400 pounds of Tuna in my stomach and now I am slowly dying. It’s okay though because I turned Simon and Garfunkel into staplers and then I stapled the whole two dollars they had made off there career together and called it quits.
I’m glad that I can finally die and stop dealing with all of these stupid people. The thing is, I finally figured out that the only thing that can kill me is “fresh” tuna in a can. I guess I never thought of making the rest of the world smarter. Damn it. I’m such a god damn idiot.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Never trust a fake-quotes blogger when his status is "truth is..."
There's a plague going around. A few symptoms of this new plague are A) people think that other people on facebook actually care what they have to say, and B) the other people think that the other person is telling the whole truth. I'm talking about all these facebook status games that keep polluting my news feed. You all know them: "truth is...", "George thinks...", the stupid numbers thing, just to name a few. Well truth is... you're retarded. And how truthful do you think your friends are being? "Truth is you're a great friend and even though we don't hang out much, I love being with you" secretly means, "I don't like you, I just keep you as a quasi-friend so you don't go all Columbine and kill me one day. And I wanna bang your sister. And your mom. Preferably at the same time." Mind Blown? Thought so. Anywho, I thought these games were monotonous, and not very fun. So I made my own. And I would love for somebody to post one as your status.
-If I could punch you in one place...
-Like and I'll tell you who in your life I want to get eaten my rabid gazelles...
-I'll kill your pet by...
-I would ____ with your ____ in your _____...
-My penis thinks ... about your snatch
-In the event of a school shooting I hope you go #___...
-Like and I'll tell you what I would try to smuggle through customs at the airport for you...
-Like and I'll tell you why I shudder when you walk into the room...
-On a deserted island, I would go ___ number of days before eating you...
-If we were drunk on a Greyhound bus headed to Tucson, and all we had was $13.45, a suitcase full of cough medicine, and a dead vulture, and you looked at me and said "I have diarrhea", and we had no pants on, and both of us had tattoos on our chest from when we were on peyote at Burning Man, and then you tried to kiss me with fecal matter splattering everywhere behind you, and the woman whom said anal grease was gushing on started beating you with her newborn baby who was wearing an authentic native american headdress, I would...
-If we were in an orgy on the great wall of china, I would...
-Like and I'll tell you what color banana hammock goes best with your complexion...
-Like and I'll tell you when I think you'll have your first abortion, no blacks, that's unfair...
-Like and I'll tell you who killed your father...me...
-Like and I'll make an outrageous metaphor for how much I hate you...
-If we were both inside Meryll Streep....
-If we were inside Evan's Jeep, I would...
-If we were being attacked by a bear and he happened to be a Jew and you were kosher, I would...
-Like if you're kosher and want to go camping...
-Like and I'll choose your firing squad...
-Like and I'll tell you where I'm hiding hamsters inside my body...
-Like and I'll tell you if I may have given you ______ at the party (ONLY like if your name is Teresa)....
-If you like this, it's fitting that the 'like' symbol is a thumbs up because...
-When I first saw you, I thought you were smuggling ______ under your shirt...
-Like and I'll tell you what I would do if Mark Wahlberg ran into the room with only a Persian flag for clothing and he was covered in butter and then you pulled a gun on me and declared war on the state of Azerbaijan, and out of Mark Wahlberg's anus popped the trix rabbit, who was on a Vision Quest from the Cherokee to see who stole his pocket-pussy, and an alligator spirit descended from the heavens and pissed on you, I would...
-If I could punch you in one place...
-Like and I'll tell you who in your life I want to get eaten my rabid gazelles...
-I'll kill your pet by...
-I would ____ with your ____ in your _____...
-My penis thinks ... about your snatch
-In the event of a school shooting I hope you go #___...
-Like and I'll tell you what I would try to smuggle through customs at the airport for you...
-Like and I'll tell you why I shudder when you walk into the room...
-On a deserted island, I would go ___ number of days before eating you...
-If we were drunk on a Greyhound bus headed to Tucson, and all we had was $13.45, a suitcase full of cough medicine, and a dead vulture, and you looked at me and said "I have diarrhea", and we had no pants on, and both of us had tattoos on our chest from when we were on peyote at Burning Man, and then you tried to kiss me with fecal matter splattering everywhere behind you, and the woman whom said anal grease was gushing on started beating you with her newborn baby who was wearing an authentic native american headdress, I would...
-If we were in an orgy on the great wall of china, I would...
-Like and I'll tell you what color banana hammock goes best with your complexion...
-Like and I'll tell you when I think you'll have your first abortion, no blacks, that's unfair...
-Like and I'll tell you who killed your father...me...
-Like and I'll make an outrageous metaphor for how much I hate you...
-If we were both inside Meryll Streep....
-If we were inside Evan's Jeep, I would...
-If we were being attacked by a bear and he happened to be a Jew and you were kosher, I would...
-Like if you're kosher and want to go camping...
-Like and I'll choose your firing squad...
-Like and I'll tell you where I'm hiding hamsters inside my body...
-Like and I'll tell you if I may have given you ______ at the party (ONLY like if your name is Teresa)....
-If you like this, it's fitting that the 'like' symbol is a thumbs up because...
-When I first saw you, I thought you were smuggling ______ under your shirt...
-Like and I'll tell you what I would do if Mark Wahlberg ran into the room with only a Persian flag for clothing and he was covered in butter and then you pulled a gun on me and declared war on the state of Azerbaijan, and out of Mark Wahlberg's anus popped the trix rabbit, who was on a Vision Quest from the Cherokee to see who stole his pocket-pussy, and an alligator spirit descended from the heavens and pissed on you, I would...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
2 Hours with a Gay Man, Part 5
Ch. 15: Please Silence All Falcons
I feel bad for Zeus, you know why? Cause he's the leader of a revolution that will never happened.
Rats Live on no evil star.
"How do you tell if someone's coming to the Great Wall of China just to have an orgy?" Cocky asked. "Probably cause you and like 45 other people show up in trench coats." Replied a man who was I. "Yeah, like those Trench Coats and they're wearing a... utility belt of dildos... I think I just invented something, but if I didn't, I'd be very shocked." Added Cocky. "Have you ever seen the Great Wall, though? It's Majestic, you can't help but have an orgy!" Fax chimed in. "Lets say a family is there, they're walking around looking at the wall and, BAM! There's an ORGY!"
The Great Wall is beautiful this time of year...
Ch. 14: I know you are, but what am I?
I'm crazy, there's no two ways about it. But like all dualities, the only way to find one extreme is inside of the other. If one was completely sane, completely at grips with reality all the time, then they would be driven insane by the monotony. The only way to remain truly sane is to be spontaneous, in a word, to be insane.
The sins of our fathers are Abhorred for the punishments we shall receive.
I am who I am because of who I was, and so shall I be because of what I am now. Some have say time is a fabric that weaves through all we will doing. I say its more like an ocean; we all will someday reach the end, some are just swimming, while others drive a speedboat.
Ch. 15: The Final Virtue.
Death is but the final realization of animation. The end of is no different from the beginning, yet we come to fear the end of anything more that any other part. The simple reason behind this is the end is the only part of anything we can truly see coming.
I've seen the end of this book coming from a long time ago, and this is why I've discarded the cryptic tenses I had previously adopted; time has finally caught up to me.
Yes, sadly this is the end. But that is to say, this is the end of the beginning. This book is not over, far from it, but the time has come for it to be ushered into a new state of being.
Remember, this is not truly the end, nor the beginning really. Just a melodramatic shift somewhere in the middle.
Day 1:
Till we meet again, which I know we will.
Iter Procedit"
I feel bad for Zeus, you know why? Cause he's the leader of a revolution that will never happened.
Rats Live on no evil star.
"How do you tell if someone's coming to the Great Wall of China just to have an orgy?" Cocky asked. "Probably cause you and like 45 other people show up in trench coats." Replied a man who was I. "Yeah, like those Trench Coats and they're wearing a... utility belt of dildos... I think I just invented something, but if I didn't, I'd be very shocked." Added Cocky. "Have you ever seen the Great Wall, though? It's Majestic, you can't help but have an orgy!" Fax chimed in. "Lets say a family is there, they're walking around looking at the wall and, BAM! There's an ORGY!"
The Great Wall is beautiful this time of year...
Ch. 14: I know you are, but what am I?
I'm crazy, there's no two ways about it. But like all dualities, the only way to find one extreme is inside of the other. If one was completely sane, completely at grips with reality all the time, then they would be driven insane by the monotony. The only way to remain truly sane is to be spontaneous, in a word, to be insane.
The sins of our fathers are Abhorred for the punishments we shall receive.
I am who I am because of who I was, and so shall I be because of what I am now. Some have say time is a fabric that weaves through all we will doing. I say its more like an ocean; we all will someday reach the end, some are just swimming, while others drive a speedboat.
Ch. 15: The Final Virtue.
Death is but the final realization of animation. The end of is no different from the beginning, yet we come to fear the end of anything more that any other part. The simple reason behind this is the end is the only part of anything we can truly see coming.
I've seen the end of this book coming from a long time ago, and this is why I've discarded the cryptic tenses I had previously adopted; time has finally caught up to me.
Yes, sadly this is the end. But that is to say, this is the end of the beginning. This book is not over, far from it, but the time has come for it to be ushered into a new state of being.
Remember, this is not truly the end, nor the beginning really. Just a melodramatic shift somewhere in the middle.
Day 1:
Till we meet again, which I know we will.
Iter Procedit"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Diary of Montgomery Stillwell
I'd like to take a break from Bryan's beautiful book to bring you something else. I was rummaging through the Raque Family Attic and I found a diary page from a man who I can only assume was related to somebody my whore of a great grandmother welcomed with open legs. Enjoy:
Hello, this is the diary of Captain Montgomery Stillwell - but you can call me Wolfbeard. And this is my life story. Well, the Cliff Notes at least. My real life story is much too long, like that of Zeus's cock. As a child, I was diagnosed with an uncommonly rare, esoteric disease called Redundancy Disorder Syndrome. At the age of ten, I was attacked by a bear and lost a leg. What a bear was doing in my shower still remains a mystery. After the incident, I got a peg leg and was unable to continue my living as a New Hampshire prostitute (due to the splinters) so I became a Fishing Boat captain - hence the name. On the side, I became fascinated with onomatapea and started writing poetry- you may have read some of my books: "Stars in the Night Sky"; "Petal of a Wildflower"; and my best selling, "Crazy Rhino Sex, Snorting Coke & The Kamasutra: Ten things you need to know to be a good garbageman" - just to name a few. I was circumcized, but not until I was 19, because my Viking Warrior girlfriend Olga had never seen one the way God intended. At the age of 21, she crushed my pelvis during sex - it's not what you think, she dropped an anvil on me while we were trying out a new position- The Wile E. Sex-ote. Now I lay here writing this... the only thing keep me alive in my old age is the hope someone will hear my story... oh, and the dozens of strippers.
Hello, this is the diary of Captain Montgomery Stillwell - but you can call me Wolfbeard. And this is my life story. Well, the Cliff Notes at least. My real life story is much too long, like that of Zeus's cock. As a child, I was diagnosed with an uncommonly rare, esoteric disease called Redundancy Disorder Syndrome. At the age of ten, I was attacked by a bear and lost a leg. What a bear was doing in my shower still remains a mystery. After the incident, I got a peg leg and was unable to continue my living as a New Hampshire prostitute (due to the splinters) so I became a Fishing Boat captain - hence the name. On the side, I became fascinated with onomatapea and started writing poetry- you may have read some of my books: "Stars in the Night Sky"; "Petal of a Wildflower"; and my best selling, "Crazy Rhino Sex, Snorting Coke & The Kamasutra: Ten things you need to know to be a good garbageman" - just to name a few. I was circumcized, but not until I was 19, because my Viking Warrior girlfriend Olga had never seen one the way God intended. At the age of 21, she crushed my pelvis during sex - it's not what you think, she dropped an anvil on me while we were trying out a new position- The Wile E. Sex-ote. Now I lay here writing this... the only thing keep me alive in my old age is the hope someone will hear my story... oh, and the dozens of strippers.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
2 Hours with a Gay Man, Part 4
Ch. 10: Есть человек, есть проблема. Нет человека, нет проблемы.
The true problem with people is all their problems. As a species we will haved an infinite capacity for dishonesty, and there inlies our lies. Everything is made up, including this.
Lies are but a fire which consumed all that has creates it. This past statement itself was of course a lie, as is everything in the past.
Ch. 11 1/2: Mainstream Mainlining
Sight is but a cruel joke played on us by light. This is simple to say, as we are blind to what we truley see.
Great is the challenge the past poses on our future, but great is its potential.
We all have want great things for the future, but at time many obstacles block our procession through the present, today I would learn this the hard way.
I walked into the room, and locked myself in the outside only after I realized there wasn't a door, yet, but in the future there wouldn't have been. I called, 'Hrrrahggtagghttaggh' in perfect Basque. Or proto-basque, I can never remembered, at least I don't thought that I'm a butterfly
The door in this case will soon be a metaphor. For what? You ask, I may never know. Perhaps I'll leave the metaphors up to you this time.
Ch. 12: She Sells Seashells down by Pauly Shore
This book is a mockumentary about mockumentaries. Just like this book has being about has beens and wasted time. I'm sorry to tell you this now, but this book is either the most prolific thing you've ever read, or the most ridiculous. I personally believe its both.
Nothing is illogical, but as well all know, "Thats Illogical!" (Spock). Enough musings, time for a tale, and this tale will be about time.
"Damn it, there's not enough time!" Screamed Fax. "Hmmm. I could write a book about this." I Pondered. "I've got it! What about 'Yeah, the smallpox sucked, but the syphillis was the worst.'... Montezuma" Cocky interjected. I laughed, I cried, just kidding, I have no need for tears these days. "Put it up". Under normal circumstances I would explain what I mean by this daily posting of Quotes, but if you're reading this right now, while I am writing this write now, then I assume that I need not explain this to you. Too bad for you.
Ch. 13: And to the dust we return.
The populace is the dust of the world, and I the broom.
Ch. 14: Shoots and Ladders
Dear Charybdis,
You suck.
Sincerely, Scylla
At any rate, things have been happending that will shape the very fabric of the future. But oftentimes I feel people become too caught up in the future to remember they can affect the past. Simply change what you did instead of what you are doing.
Subtly is the death of honesty, but to be honest subtly is simple to infirm the truth. Life is a lie, but it is still the closest to truth one gets in this world. It is with this in mind that I reminded you all, time is short, but you have all the time in the world. Spend it wisely, but as if it were your last day on earth. Till then, enjoy your true-lies.
The true problem with people is all their problems. As a species we will haved an infinite capacity for dishonesty, and there inlies our lies. Everything is made up, including this.
Lies are but a fire which consumed all that has creates it. This past statement itself was of course a lie, as is everything in the past.
Ch. 11 1/2: Mainstream Mainlining
Sight is but a cruel joke played on us by light. This is simple to say, as we are blind to what we truley see.
Great is the challenge the past poses on our future, but great is its potential.
We all have want great things for the future, but at time many obstacles block our procession through the present, today I would learn this the hard way.
I walked into the room, and locked myself in the outside only after I realized there wasn't a door, yet, but in the future there wouldn't have been. I called, 'Hrrrahggtagghttaggh' in perfect Basque. Or proto-basque, I can never remembered, at least I don't thought that I'm a butterfly
The door in this case will soon be a metaphor. For what? You ask, I may never know. Perhaps I'll leave the metaphors up to you this time.
Ch. 12: She Sells Seashells down by Pauly Shore
This book is a mockumentary about mockumentaries. Just like this book has being about has beens and wasted time. I'm sorry to tell you this now, but this book is either the most prolific thing you've ever read, or the most ridiculous. I personally believe its both.
Nothing is illogical, but as well all know, "Thats Illogical!" (Spock). Enough musings, time for a tale, and this tale will be about time.
"Damn it, there's not enough time!" Screamed Fax. "Hmmm. I could write a book about this." I Pondered. "I've got it! What about 'Yeah, the smallpox sucked, but the syphillis was the worst.'... Montezuma" Cocky interjected. I laughed, I cried, just kidding, I have no need for tears these days. "Put it up". Under normal circumstances I would explain what I mean by this daily posting of Quotes, but if you're reading this right now, while I am writing this write now, then I assume that I need not explain this to you. Too bad for you.
Ch. 13: And to the dust we return.
The populace is the dust of the world, and I the broom.
Ch. 14: Shoots and Ladders
Dear Charybdis,
You suck.
Sincerely, Scylla
At any rate, things have been happending that will shape the very fabric of the future. But oftentimes I feel people become too caught up in the future to remember they can affect the past. Simply change what you did instead of what you are doing.
Subtly is the death of honesty, but to be honest subtly is simple to infirm the truth. Life is a lie, but it is still the closest to truth one gets in this world. It is with this in mind that I reminded you all, time is short, but you have all the time in the world. Spend it wisely, but as if it were your last day on earth. Till then, enjoy your true-lies.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
2 Hours with a Gay Man, Part 3
Ch. 5: Chaos
Split is the mind of a man who is always the same person. To be one with ones-self, one must be one with ones selves, or won with 1 self. Either way, there is truly no way to accomplish but one thing.
Speaking of course of John Wilkes Boothe, it is notable to recall many an instance of the subtle combination of actors and guns. Perhaps at another time of such a drab matter, for now, you have just realized that this is the only chapter which makes sense grammatically, yet makes the least sense spiritually.
Ch. 6: The time Will came
In reading this title, you may have coming to the conclusion that this is a story about a young man ejaculating, yelling, in a bathroom. Wrong, as usual.
We hadn't seen Logan in a while, understandable so, since he attended that slaughterhouse of a school in the X----- District. Callahan had always a pronounced sense of humor, only now would I feel it all over my face.
"AH! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I yelled (Ejaculated). "IF I CAN'T SEE AFTER THIS!" "HAHAHA! SORRY MAN! You Okay?" Logan replied, "Yeah, I guess so, but you suck! Right in my face as I walk in? Really?". "Seemed the thing to do at the time." he shrugged.
This would be the first, yet not the last, time I had ever been shot in the face with a confetti gun. Almost as life changing an experience as using a real gun.
Ch. 7: I am the Son of Ajax
War is just a stalemate between Peace and Death, much like Life is the tie between Death and... well, Death.
I happen to have know a thing or two on the subject. It exists, and it might not someday. See, two things was always better than one.
The common saying is, "Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." I have think that the most selfless thing would be to in fact light one's self on fire, so one might warm the homeless.
Pain is the realization of animation.
Logic has being dead, it always will been. Through death, it can never be again, but through death, one is proven to have been alive.
Ch 8. Longitudinal Sadness
Lancaster. The barn capital of the world.
Ch 9. Let Me Agreed With You
Stories will been for the weak minded. This has says something about all of our characters, being our lives just another story in an ever expanding tome. But one must ask the question, if our lives are been tales, then who's to say mine are wrong. Quizical questions are indeed the answer, just as a light the solution to darkness.
Split is the mind of a man who is always the same person. To be one with ones-self, one must be one with ones selves, or won with 1 self. Either way, there is truly no way to accomplish but one thing.
Speaking of course of John Wilkes Boothe, it is notable to recall many an instance of the subtle combination of actors and guns. Perhaps at another time of such a drab matter, for now, you have just realized that this is the only chapter which makes sense grammatically, yet makes the least sense spiritually.
Ch. 6: The time Will came
In reading this title, you may have coming to the conclusion that this is a story about a young man ejaculating, yelling, in a bathroom. Wrong, as usual.
We hadn't seen Logan in a while, understandable so, since he attended that slaughterhouse of a school in the X----- District. Callahan had always a pronounced sense of humor, only now would I feel it all over my face.
"AH! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I yelled (Ejaculated). "IF I CAN'T SEE AFTER THIS!" "HAHAHA! SORRY MAN! You Okay?" Logan replied, "Yeah, I guess so, but you suck! Right in my face as I walk in? Really?". "Seemed the thing to do at the time." he shrugged.
This would be the first, yet not the last, time I had ever been shot in the face with a confetti gun. Almost as life changing an experience as using a real gun.
Ch. 7: I am the Son of Ajax
War is just a stalemate between Peace and Death, much like Life is the tie between Death and... well, Death.
I happen to have know a thing or two on the subject. It exists, and it might not someday. See, two things was always better than one.
The common saying is, "Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." I have think that the most selfless thing would be to in fact light one's self on fire, so one might warm the homeless.
Pain is the realization of animation.
Logic has being dead, it always will been. Through death, it can never be again, but through death, one is proven to have been alive.
Ch 8. Longitudinal Sadness
Lancaster. The barn capital of the world.
Ch 9. Let Me Agreed With You
Stories will been for the weak minded. This has says something about all of our characters, being our lives just another story in an ever expanding tome. But one must ask the question, if our lives are been tales, then who's to say mine are wrong. Quizical questions are indeed the answer, just as a light the solution to darkness.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
2 Hours with a Gay Man, Part 2
Ch 3: Santa Claus was an Only Child
I did waited for the film in my camera to develop, but you can't rush the speed of light. Indeed, not time yet for visual art, it was now the time for a discussion of the auditory arts, and I do not mean ear rape.
We had at some time been musicians, we already were, and this being our disposition, we took it upon ourselves to play it someday, then.
Yea verily there were songs, and there was much rejoicing. Songs that will be and have been, songs that may never be in times long past. Mostly songs by R. Kelly, in glorious representation of our respective similarities we may always have shared. Oh upon high I call upon my muse to allow me to discuss, the musings of Cee Lo Green, Fuck You Too, as well as, of course, lyricism we will created.
There is a time for many things, but hardly time for anything these days.
A word, a phrase, a line, a chord. Panama indeed. But I said and will said again, we wrote one, or more, about something we care very little about, but this which we wrote, we care greatly for.
Anger is but a reality of Animation.
Ch. 4: Pajama Mama, Phat Mama Jamma, Top it all off with Parrapa the Rappa
Escape is simply entering another situation to Escape. At times we will thought of times greater than these however. Tempest Fugit, whilst Fugi Tempest.
In the vein of leaving, I will told you a story in which we returned.
I had no reason to fear, yet fear I did. I suppose I'm prone to exaggerated experiences of guilt, but you might be too, given the circumstances. Very rarely does one find oneself carrying a body through a morgue, for instance, I never have.
"Cocky, Fax, where in the hell have you been?" I called to them, this would be the third time I could remember, but the third time I could never remember. No doubt they had been about their affairs. "Its a trap!" seemed to be all they could respond, or perhaps all I could stand. They would come to have be my closest compatriotes, if only for my need to use a word in some way close to pirate.
At any rate, I digress. To put it ingeniously, the. Or as a certain Cocky bastard would put it, badgerhat. To put it politely, Piss Off! And to put it simply, I don't know what to say. Maybe you should speak up, that might make this less of a one-sided conversation!
I did waited for the film in my camera to develop, but you can't rush the speed of light. Indeed, not time yet for visual art, it was now the time for a discussion of the auditory arts, and I do not mean ear rape.
We had at some time been musicians, we already were, and this being our disposition, we took it upon ourselves to play it someday, then.
Yea verily there were songs, and there was much rejoicing. Songs that will be and have been, songs that may never be in times long past. Mostly songs by R. Kelly, in glorious representation of our respective similarities we may always have shared. Oh upon high I call upon my muse to allow me to discuss, the musings of Cee Lo Green, Fuck You Too, as well as, of course, lyricism we will created.
There is a time for many things, but hardly time for anything these days.
A word, a phrase, a line, a chord. Panama indeed. But I said and will said again, we wrote one, or more, about something we care very little about, but this which we wrote, we care greatly for.
Anger is but a reality of Animation.
Ch. 4: Pajama Mama, Phat Mama Jamma, Top it all off with Parrapa the Rappa
Escape is simply entering another situation to Escape. At times we will thought of times greater than these however. Tempest Fugit, whilst Fugi Tempest.
In the vein of leaving, I will told you a story in which we returned.
I had no reason to fear, yet fear I did. I suppose I'm prone to exaggerated experiences of guilt, but you might be too, given the circumstances. Very rarely does one find oneself carrying a body through a morgue, for instance, I never have.
"Cocky, Fax, where in the hell have you been?" I called to them, this would be the third time I could remember, but the third time I could never remember. No doubt they had been about their affairs. "Its a trap!" seemed to be all they could respond, or perhaps all I could stand. They would come to have be my closest compatriotes, if only for my need to use a word in some way close to pirate.
At any rate, I digress. To put it ingeniously, the. Or as a certain Cocky bastard would put it, badgerhat. To put it politely, Piss Off! And to put it simply, I don't know what to say. Maybe you should speak up, that might make this less of a one-sided conversation!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Raque's critique of "2 hours with a gay man"
Lemme start by saying, I have not read the whole transchromagression, neither will you, but it is undoubtedly up there with Cooking with Emeril as the best transchromagression of all time. I was through part 5 when I realized that it hadn't been written yet - a terrible quality of any book, yet one of the best at the same time. The best ideas in life haven't been thought of yet, and Lee succeeds in having ideas that will never ever be thought of. But they are. Further proving the brillance of Lee. However, I have to take him to task with a few things. He works in perfect chronological order. Hasn't he ever seen momento? The best things in life are fucked up. I'm getting tired of reading in the future-past perfect tense, such as in pg 8932 where he states,
""I walked into the room, and locked myself in the outside only after I realized there wasn't a door, yet, but in the future there wouldn't have been. I called, 'Hrrrahggtagghttaggh' in perfect Basque. Or proto-basque, I can never remembered, at least I don't thought that I'm a butterfly""
The mistake was made from the beginning, of the end. Why would Lee choose to write "the" when it is more representative of Western Culture if he said "badgerhat". I can't think. Especially not while reading. My one piece of advice is to not try and piece it together. It will do this on it's own. You need to instead, bask in the greatness of what it is. It will be exactly what it is, not trying to follow anything else. How else could a autobiagraphy about what you are going to write about as told through frame narration and erotic poetry about 3rd period aiding operate? It can't. Lee's literature may not be great, but it is groundbreaking. It might not pick up the tab, but it will call you again and not pressure you into doggy style before you're ready. Flowers are necessary though, and don't believe him when he says the credit card demagnetized, HE'S LYING! When the rubber hits the road, Lee hits the sky, and after 1998, that's all we can hope for.
The three new tenses he introduces? Innovation in it's vital parts. If you could take apart greatness, Lee would have thrown his parts into a tornado inside of a shark tank. And pissed out gold.
""I walked into the room, and locked myself in the outside only after I realized there wasn't a door, yet, but in the future there wouldn't have been. I called, 'Hrrrahggtagghttaggh' in perfect Basque. Or proto-basque, I can never remembered, at least I don't thought that I'm a butterfly""
The mistake was made from the beginning, of the end. Why would Lee choose to write "the" when it is more representative of Western Culture if he said "badgerhat". I can't think. Especially not while reading. My one piece of advice is to not try and piece it together. It will do this on it's own. You need to instead, bask in the greatness of what it is. It will be exactly what it is, not trying to follow anything else. How else could a autobiagraphy about what you are going to write about as told through frame narration and erotic poetry about 3rd period aiding operate? It can't. Lee's literature may not be great, but it is groundbreaking. It might not pick up the tab, but it will call you again and not pressure you into doggy style before you're ready. Flowers are necessary though, and don't believe him when he says the credit card demagnetized, HE'S LYING! When the rubber hits the road, Lee hits the sky, and after 1998, that's all we can hope for.
The three new tenses he introduces? Innovation in it's vital parts. If you could take apart greatness, Lee would have thrown his parts into a tornado inside of a shark tank. And pissed out gold.
2 Hours with a Gay Man, Part 1
"A Transchromagression with by Bryan
Ch. 1: You Will Read (Red) This:
This will happened. These are truths that I've already held to being self-evident. This is now, not apocalypse now, real now, happened now, as in will have already happened twenty minutes from then. This is my transchromagression, a literary cluster-fuck, a book that I will written, in the past, of the future, which is happened now. I believe this should start where all things have started, the end; the end, of the beginning, before the beginning.
Day 459; Hamburg, Germany, September 24, 1997:
Time is no longer the issue. Disappearance is but a method of animation.
Day 5: I will noticed the Green Lantern sign, as I always did now.
"Is that the Green Lantern Symbol?"
"Yes, but I'm pretty sure the ancient Greeks came up with it first." He said. "Wrong, the Green Lanterns have been around for millions of years."
This was the last time I would ever have seen me.
Plans are like plans, final yet temporary. We have but one life to live; I chose 7. Few people know how to end a chapter like this. Sadly, neither do I. Luckily, Charles Bukowski will have.
Ch 2. This will haven't happened
Superman venit, vidit, vicit, and then he came again
"Could Lois Lane really hold Superman's baby?" His name was Fax, Fax Mench, once again, the name indeed, indeed was Fax.
"Lets say Superman wore perhaps a kryptonite condom, or maybe Lois wore a kryptonite Nuva Ring™ , would that in turn make his semen normal, rendering Lois in turn able to carry Supermans seed?" Quite erudite indeed, Trueche. "But would that kill Superman, or maybe make him too weak to copulate? Or perhaps cause him to finish too early, which would really only fail to satisfy Lois"
The cat in the hat is nothing to heed, but a cat with a bat is a friend indeed.
Carafe, Giraffe, Seraph, Lamaph.
Lamaph stuffed the Giraffe into a Carafe with the help of a Seraph.
Ch. 69: Writtening Haiku's and Playing Harmonica
Nuke Barnaby's Ballad
Placenta Smackers,
Venereal Disease Gel,
All good in the hood
Placenta Fondue,
Sop it up with bread, right now!
My kind of party.
"I'm disgusted with my life and myself right now, but I'm not unhappy about that."
"Behold the man"
Thus is ending part one, which isn't to say that it is not part 2, or any other part for that matter, but to say that it certainly is the end, of the end of the beginning. This is happened, thus is happending, stated by thee, which is short for me. Thus is the end, or the beginning of the middle, of the end.
Ch. 1: You Will Read (Red) This:
This will happened. These are truths that I've already held to being self-evident. This is now, not apocalypse now, real now, happened now, as in will have already happened twenty minutes from then. This is my transchromagression, a literary cluster-fuck, a book that I will written, in the past, of the future, which is happened now. I believe this should start where all things have started, the end; the end, of the beginning, before the beginning.
Day 459; Hamburg, Germany, September 24, 1997:
Time is no longer the issue. Disappearance is but a method of animation.
Day 5: I will noticed the Green Lantern sign, as I always did now.
"Is that the Green Lantern Symbol?"
"Yes, but I'm pretty sure the ancient Greeks came up with it first." He said. "Wrong, the Green Lanterns have been around for millions of years."
This was the last time I would ever have seen me.
Plans are like plans, final yet temporary. We have but one life to live; I chose 7. Few people know how to end a chapter like this. Sadly, neither do I. Luckily, Charles Bukowski will have.
Ch 2. This will haven't happened
Superman venit, vidit, vicit, and then he came again
"Could Lois Lane really hold Superman's baby?" His name was Fax, Fax Mench, once again, the name indeed, indeed was Fax.
"Lets say Superman wore perhaps a kryptonite condom, or maybe Lois wore a kryptonite Nuva Ring™ , would that in turn make his semen normal, rendering Lois in turn able to carry Supermans seed?" Quite erudite indeed, Trueche. "But would that kill Superman, or maybe make him too weak to copulate? Or perhaps cause him to finish too early, which would really only fail to satisfy Lois"
The cat in the hat is nothing to heed, but a cat with a bat is a friend indeed.
Carafe, Giraffe, Seraph, Lamaph.
Lamaph stuffed the Giraffe into a Carafe with the help of a Seraph.
Ch. 69: Writtening Haiku's and Playing Harmonica
Nuke Barnaby's Ballad
Placenta Smackers,
Venereal Disease Gel,
All good in the hood
Placenta Fondue,
Sop it up with bread, right now!
My kind of party.
"I'm disgusted with my life and myself right now, but I'm not unhappy about that."
"Behold the man"
Thus is ending part one, which isn't to say that it is not part 2, or any other part for that matter, but to say that it certainly is the end, of the end of the beginning. This is happened, thus is happending, stated by thee, which is short for me. Thus is the end, or the beginning of the middle, of the end.
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