Will quote for beer!!

I feel the creative juices flowing, and yes, I think "Creative" is the worst name for a Taiwanese hooker, too...oh well, I don't pay her to say her name while doing things with a tennis racket that even Ted Bundy would gag at. Today was a good day, I walked into Caligula's room and there was a sea of papers that needed to be graded, Bryan smelled like rotten baby oil (from actual babies) and Rocky was in a coma...wait, actually that's not that great of a day, practically the most heterosexual day yet --grading papers sucks. Anyway, we had some good quotes today, nothing spectacular, but had out racist and prejudiced laughs while using our new definition of the word gay liberally. Over all Crock-Master Jay only declined a few of our quotes, so we lost all time and ended up putting "Wombats" in a heart on the quote board...not our best, but for some reason we love writing and saying the word Wombats, it's like verbal masturbation. Try it. Okay stop! What I'm trying to say is that our ideas are as censored as a Lil Wayne radio edit and it is stunting our creative growth, and, in Bryan's case, penile growth. It's just so important to Richard Simmons that he keeps his job as teacher of the kind of assholes that erase Charles Dickens quotes that he jilts our predetermined roles in life as vehement misquoters. Anyway, I digress, I really came here to make terrible jokes and completely contradict my indignant nature with potty humor that a toddler would scoff at. So scoff away. After you scoff at this.

"My client would like to point out that he doesn't like to wear gloves while murdering."
--Johnnie Cochran

"Painting should be like diarrhea: it should be unexpected and painful and look like shit!"
--Jackson Pollock

"Nigga' pleaseth!"
--Othello

"I think i'm seeing things... The other day I coulda sworn I saw myself in a grilled cheese"
--Jesus

"Joe: MARY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BABY ISN'T MINE? JESUS H. CHRIST!
Mary: What a great name...you're just jealous because you got bested by God at online poker, he said you were being douchy about that.
Joe: Oh did he? Well, you can tell that son of a bitch that he can go straight to hell.
Mary: You're being a little selfish, God and I were just drunk and you know how I have a thing for old men, that's why we own all of the Rolling Stones albums.
Joe: The kid is never going to listen to me, it's always gonna be like 'You're not my real Dad' and that'll just peeve me.
Mary: Don't make a thing out of this. It's only for a little whie.
Joe: Well, if he ever acts up I'll crucify him! Bastard kid.
Mary: You're such an asshole, God I hate you, wait I mean Joe, I hate you."
--The Bible (Bronx translation)

"I know I'm short, but that's not the only reason I don't have many thetans."
--Tom Cruise

"(on phone) ... yes, I'm calling about my adoption of Africa... yes, all of them"
--Angelina Jolie

"Ok, so I can open the fridge with it, drive my boat with it, and screw with it... If only my penis could cure our hepatitis."
--Tommy Lee


[MORE AP VOCAB] Twat - vt. Past tense of tweet

Sharkbate - n. What sharks do at the end of the day to unwind; puppies