New Blog, Homies!

We here at TUQS have started a new chapter in the book of life, and will avoid writing another in the book of death... we miss Charles too. At any rate, we have added a new cast member, making our merry crew a group of four, and have started a new blog. This new blog can be found Here and will provide you with all the "Movie Reviews" that you want, with the the belligerent hilarity you remember from us. Hope you enjoy the new blog, and we'll see you on the other side!

The Wombats Farewell Tour

This is the end, of the end, of the end. This is our final frontier, our final frontal shot, ladies and gentlemen, our farewell tour so to speak. We tried to get the Hell's Angels to work security but apparently it is rather expensive to have innocent people beaten severely; unless you call the cops, that is.

"My only regret is that the crime wasn't perpetrated by MC Hammer, at least he would have known he can't touch this."
--Judge, Michael Jackson Molestation Trial

"Atlantis: An incredibly technological world brought down by its technological avarice and sunken to the bottom of the great Neptunian sea."
--Plato's Thoughts on Japan

"Dude, shaking it more than twice is just playing with yourself."
--George Michael

"Some people say I look like Ray Charles, but neither of us sees the resemblance."
--Stevie Wonder

"Ooooh! I've never been stabbed like that before! Et TU BRUTE!(Lisp)"
--New Gay Musical "Julius Caesar: From Fags to Riches"

"IT'S A MAP!!! OUR PHASERS CAN'T REPEL MEXICANS OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!"
--Admiral Ackbar on Illegal Immigration

"Cookies! Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!"
--Donald Trump's Hair

"You have a question, and I have an answer;
Skip-diddly-do, you've got cancer."
--Dr. Seuss, MD.

"I can't believe I'm going to ride on an airship, it's going to go down like the...uh..."
--Hindenburg Passenger

"

"We have quoted through rain and sun, night and day; we will quote until the day we die, and for a few days after. We have fed you alot of information, most of which is outright false, so with that in mind we have decided to say goodbye with one real piece of knowledge: Don't believe everything you read, especially if it is in quotations."
-Cocky Rhis, Fax Mench, and Lyin' Bree; The Unquoted Speakers

Religious Love Songs

So if you all didn't know this, Lionel Richie is huge in the MIddle East. It makes sense, ever heard his song, "All night Long (I'm killing infidels)". SO we went that direction and made muslim love songs in honor of Lionel Richie. And then we kept that up by making love songs for all religions. Enjoy:

"I can see your ankles and it feels so right.
Let me take off your bhurka and rock your world tonight"
--Muslim Love song

"I wanna talk... to your burning bush...
Lemme part your C"
--Jewish Love song

"Baby, I've found your promised land and seen the light.
I'm David, you're Goliath and I'm taking you down tonight"
--Jewish Love song

"I'm gonna give it to you
And it's gonna be great.
You thought I'd only last a day
And I went for 8."
--Jewish Love songs

"I'm drilling you tonight"
--Muslim Love song

"Baby, I love you, and you, and you, and you, and you you you, and you too."
--Morman Love song

"I love you so much, but
Everyone says that I'm the fool.
But lemme pick you up tonight,
From your elementary school."
--Catholic Love song

"I wanna die and be brought back inside of you"
--Hindu Love song

"Mommy, where do quotes come from?"

YES anonymous student! We have heard your lack of calls, regardless, we are telepathic, and read your lack of thoughts. In the words of Young MC, 'you want it, you got it' (actual quote). Here at TUQS, we've been getting away from what makes us unique and what put us on the map. Well, the donkey shows too, but I really meant the fake quotes. And we've had several quotes recently rejected by Prof. 8... (see what we did there? HA! We're hilarious. But I'm sure the two people reading this knew that.).. even the quotes that had to do with sports, and to be honest, we were positive he wouldn't get those... Because he's gay. If you're in 4th period you might have seen a couple which were erased before the other kids could read em. We've had 5 quotes erased in 2 days, and Friday the door to his room was locked so we couldn't write a quote. Oh, and I figured out how to make my penis 9 inches. Fold it in half. Enjoy.

"Wait... You mean this isn't the Ride-Her cup?"
--Tiger Woods

"The State of my Union? Erect."
--Barack Obama

"I asked a lot of Jets fans if I would score tonight and they all said 'no'. Too bad I never take 'no' for an answer."
--Ben Roethlisberger

"Baby, you're doing it all wrong! If we're gonna go to the Motorhead concert you gotta head bang like THIS..."
--Virginia Lacrosse player George Hugueley (jokes are always funnier when you explain them)

"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I didn't say very nice things in my book, My panzer is double-parked, I stole a pack of gum at the convenience store, and... Yeah that's about it."
--Hitler

"We're gonna need a bigger boat. And preferably more sea men"
--From the movie 'Gay Jaws', which, well, I think the title is a good enough description

"#34) I never win at Monopoly
#87) My iTunes got deleted
#19) The Nets stink
#95) ED
#65) I wasn't as satisfied with Over The Hedge as I thought I'd be
#8) I can't find a good place that offers harmonica lessons
#71) Ate Ice Cream too fast, now I have brainfreeze
#55) I regret leaving my old rap group with my bff PB"
--Some of Jay-Z's other problems

"No no no! I wasn't selling my son to play football, I was selling him to fellate the highest bidder!"
--Pimp Cecil Newton

"The biggest problem facing America is the lack of jobs. Specifically, the lack of rim jobs."
--Barack Obama

"Ankles 4"
--Muslim Porn

The Diary of Livingston Spünhandel

After I put up the diary of Monty Stillwell a few days ago, Max approached me and asked me to run a diary page that he had found. It was rather tough, as the only remaining copy of it is tattooed onto the back of his knee, an area of the body which I'm now naming the "Chassle", not to mention it was in a mix of Latvian and Urdu. Luckily, I'm fluent in both. Izbaudiet pastu and اقوام متحدہ کے حوالے - سپیکر نے بم diggoty ہے



Where to begin. My name is Livingston Spünhandel and I would like to tell my story before the force-fed tuna that is slowly making its way through my digestive track kills me due to mercury poisoning. Damn you Simon and Garfunkel!

Anyways, it all started a few years back when I was moving to Rhode Island to become a preacher in a church that was on a corner of a dirty street in a corner of a dirty part of town that was basically the spitting image of the rest of Rhode Island. So to sum it up, this church was a real “Hellhole.” After living in an apartment complex that looked like the Brady Bunch (and no I don’t mean where they lived), I contracted polio from a pirate I met, at least I think he was a pirate, unfortunately he was mauled by a bear and had to be taken back to live on a watermelon farm with his mother, who ironically, was also a bear!

Four months into the whole “preaching the word” gig I made a startling discovery that I was, in fact, God himself! After I came to this fantastic revelation I quickly told the first person I saw, but the man didn’t say much (because of what I called being “star struck”) because he had this chronic disorder called Death.
I started to change things immediately, for instance, I made the laws of fractions change so that they would now be based on favoritism. I then transported myself to the nearest helicopter and turned half of Korea (the much larger and prettier half) into party favors so that they would finally be useful to the rest of us who were lacking things like, tiny erasers with smiley faces, and stale bubble gum.

After many long trying years, one to be exact, I became a free lance artist who painted things like oceans, things in the ocean, and things fornicating in the ocean. This collection came to be known as “God's mistakes”, and shortly after they were all burned to keep people warm because I had turned the sun into a slice of macaroni cheese cake (I didn’t think through that one......I should have made it into something spicier).

Half of a half of a decade had past and I had no friends, I heard voices, and people stared at me all the time. It was torture. I decided I didn’t want to deal with it anymore and tried to kill myself, but I forgot that my only Kryptonite was immortality.

What was I to do? I began making friends (I obviously missed some ingredients) but all I got was a Lobster, a little league baseball team, and a filing cabinet. The filing cabinet became my best friend because he was extremely organized and always told me that my hair looked fabulous.

Several years later, Shaun (the filing cabinet) and I were traveling the east coast of Idaho (because I had moved Idaho to the middle of the arctic ocean) when we decided to take a swim. Unfortunately, Shaun never returned because of something called “The laws of Physics” and I couldn’t bring him back because of something called “inanimate objects”, which was also the name of an adult film I later tried to produce starring Simon and Garfunkel, but the movies main soundtrack was anti-semitic and seeing as how they were both gay Jewish mermaids, they strapped me to the back of a vespa with 400 pounds of Tuna in my stomach and now I am slowly dying. It’s okay though because I turned Simon and Garfunkel into staplers and then I stapled the whole two dollars they had made off there career together and called it quits.

I’m glad that I can finally die and stop dealing with all of these stupid people. The thing is, I finally figured out that the only thing that can kill me is “fresh” tuna in a can. I guess I never thought of making the rest of the world smarter. Damn it. I’m such a god damn idiot.

Never trust a fake-quotes blogger when his status is "truth is..."

There's a plague going around. A few symptoms of this new plague are A) people think that other people on facebook actually care what they have to say, and B) the other people think that the other person is telling the whole truth. I'm talking about all these facebook status games that keep polluting my news feed. You all know them: "truth is...", "George thinks...", the stupid numbers thing, just to name a few. Well truth is... you're retarded. And how truthful do you think your friends are being? "Truth is you're a great friend and even though we don't hang out much, I love being with you" secretly means, "I don't like you, I just keep you as a quasi-friend so you don't go all Columbine and kill me one day. And I wanna bang your sister. And your mom. Preferably at the same time." Mind Blown? Thought so. Anywho, I thought these games were monotonous, and not very fun. So I made my own. And I would love for somebody to post one as your status.

-If I could punch you in one place...

-Like and I'll tell you who in your life I want to get eaten my rabid gazelles...

-I'll kill your pet by...

-I would ____ with your ____ in your _____...

-My penis thinks ... about your snatch

-In the event of a school shooting I hope you go #___...

-Like and I'll tell you what I would try to smuggle through customs at the airport for you...

-Like and I'll tell you why I shudder when you walk into the room...

-On a deserted island, I would go ___ number of days before eating you...

-If we were drunk on a Greyhound bus headed to Tucson, and all we had was $13.45, a suitcase full of cough medicine, and a dead vulture, and you looked at me and said "I have diarrhea", and we had no pants on, and both of us had tattoos on our chest from when we were on peyote at Burning Man, and then you tried to kiss me with fecal matter splattering everywhere behind you, and the woman whom said anal grease was gushing on started beating you with her newborn baby who was wearing an authentic native american headdress, I would...

-If we were in an orgy on the great wall of china, I would...

-Like and I'll tell you what color banana hammock goes best with your complexion...

-Like and I'll tell you when I think you'll have your first abortion, no blacks, that's unfair...

-Like and I'll tell you who killed your father...me...

-Like and I'll make an outrageous metaphor for how much I hate you...

-If we were both inside Meryll Streep....

-If we were inside Evan's Jeep, I would...

-If we were being attacked by a bear and he happened to be a Jew and you were kosher, I would...

-Like if you're kosher and want to go camping...

-Like and I'll choose your firing squad...

-Like and I'll tell you where I'm hiding hamsters inside my body...

-Like and I'll tell you if I may have given you ______ at the party (ONLY like if your name is Teresa)....

-If you like this, it's fitting that the 'like' symbol is a thumbs up because...

-When I first saw you, I thought you were smuggling ______ under your shirt...

-Like and I'll tell you what I would do if Mark Wahlberg ran into the room with only a Persian flag for clothing and he was covered in butter and then you pulled a gun on me and declared war on the state of Azerbaijan, and out of Mark Wahlberg's anus popped the trix rabbit, who was on a Vision Quest from the Cherokee to see who stole his pocket-pussy, and an alligator spirit descended from the heavens and pissed on you, I would...

2 Hours with a Gay Man, Part 5

Ch. 15: Please Silence All Falcons
I feel bad for Zeus, you know why? Cause he's the leader of a revolution that will never happened.

Rats Live on no evil star.

"How do you tell if someone's coming to the Great Wall of China just to have an orgy?" Cocky asked. "Probably cause you and like 45 other people show up in trench coats." Replied a man who was I. "Yeah, like those Trench Coats and they're wearing a... utility belt of dildos... I think I just invented something, but if I didn't, I'd be very shocked." Added Cocky. "Have you ever seen the Great Wall, though? It's Majestic, you can't help but have an orgy!" Fax chimed in. "Lets say a family is there, they're walking around looking at the wall and, BAM! There's an ORGY!"

The Great Wall is beautiful this time of year...

Ch. 14: I know you are, but what am I?
I'm crazy, there's no two ways about it. But like all dualities, the only way to find one extreme is inside of the other. If one was completely sane, completely at grips with reality all the time, then they would be driven insane by the monotony. The only way to remain truly sane is to be spontaneous, in a word, to be insane.

The sins of our fathers are Abhorred for the punishments we shall receive.

I am who I am because of who I was, and so shall I be because of what I am now. Some have say time is a fabric that weaves through all we will doing. I say its more like an ocean; we all will someday reach the end, some are just swimming, while others drive a speedboat.

Ch. 15: The Final Virtue.
Death is but the final realization of animation. The end of is no different from the beginning, yet we come to fear the end of anything more that any other part. The simple reason behind this is the end is the only part of anything we can truly see coming.

I've seen the end of this book coming from a long time ago, and this is why I've discarded the cryptic tenses I had previously adopted; time has finally caught up to me.

Yes, sadly this is the end. But that is to say, this is the end of the beginning. This book is not over, far from it, but the time has come for it to be ushered into a new state of being.

Remember, this is not truly the end, nor the beginning really. Just a melodramatic shift somewhere in the middle.

Day 1:
Till we meet again, which I know we will.
Iter Procedit"