Will quote for beer!!

I feel the creative juices flowing, and yes, I think "Creative" is the worst name for a Taiwanese hooker, too...oh well, I don't pay her to say her name while doing things with a tennis racket that even Ted Bundy would gag at. Today was a good day, I walked into Caligula's room and there was a sea of papers that needed to be graded, Bryan smelled like rotten baby oil (from actual babies) and Rocky was in a coma...wait, actually that's not that great of a day, practically the most heterosexual day yet --grading papers sucks. Anyway, we had some good quotes today, nothing spectacular, but had out racist and prejudiced laughs while using our new definition of the word gay liberally. Over all Crock-Master Jay only declined a few of our quotes, so we lost all time and ended up putting "Wombats" in a heart on the quote board...not our best, but for some reason we love writing and saying the word Wombats, it's like verbal masturbation. Try it. Okay stop! What I'm trying to say is that our ideas are as censored as a Lil Wayne radio edit and it is stunting our creative growth, and, in Bryan's case, penile growth. It's just so important to Richard Simmons that he keeps his job as teacher of the kind of assholes that erase Charles Dickens quotes that he jilts our predetermined roles in life as vehement misquoters. Anyway, I digress, I really came here to make terrible jokes and completely contradict my indignant nature with potty humor that a toddler would scoff at. So scoff away. After you scoff at this.

"My client would like to point out that he doesn't like to wear gloves while murdering."
--Johnnie Cochran

"Painting should be like diarrhea: it should be unexpected and painful and look like shit!"
--Jackson Pollock

"Nigga' pleaseth!"
--Othello

"I think i'm seeing things... The other day I coulda sworn I saw myself in a grilled cheese"
--Jesus

"Joe: MARY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BABY ISN'T MINE? JESUS H. CHRIST!
Mary: What a great name...you're just jealous because you got bested by God at online poker, he said you were being douchy about that.
Joe: Oh did he? Well, you can tell that son of a bitch that he can go straight to hell.
Mary: You're being a little selfish, God and I were just drunk and you know how I have a thing for old men, that's why we own all of the Rolling Stones albums.
Joe: The kid is never going to listen to me, it's always gonna be like 'You're not my real Dad' and that'll just peeve me.
Mary: Don't make a thing out of this. It's only for a little whie.
Joe: Well, if he ever acts up I'll crucify him! Bastard kid.
Mary: You're such an asshole, God I hate you, wait I mean Joe, I hate you."
--The Bible (Bronx translation)

"I know I'm short, but that's not the only reason I don't have many thetans."
--Tom Cruise

"(on phone) ... yes, I'm calling about my adoption of Africa... yes, all of them"
--Angelina Jolie

"Ok, so I can open the fridge with it, drive my boat with it, and screw with it... If only my penis could cure our hepatitis."
--Tommy Lee


[MORE AP VOCAB] Twat - vt. Past tense of tweet

Sharkbate - n. What sharks do at the end of the day to unwind; puppies

Puppy Cock Punching Anonymous

Live from the dreaded room of doom, it's wednesday morning. We have had a Top Gun infested day, and some of you would be horrified if you knew the true meaning of Top Gun. It's pretty straight. And I hope you read yesterday's blog for clarification on that last sentence. Anyway, it's about as straight as this picture. Now that you're horrified, and probably will be for life, let's be serious for a minute. I give great advice - to anybody who asks for it. But this wasn't always the case. It's like driving a stick: you're gonna stall out plenty of times before you master it, and I'd just like to share with you all the times that I messed up - I admit, I messed up royally a few times, but I'm here to share my experiences with you, so you can learn from my mistakes.

"I'm telling you bro, we'll make a killing investing in Enron."

"Honey, I think you should go into work tomorrow and then take off the 12th and 13th so we can have a 4 day weekend together. Maybe we can enjoy this beautiful September weather!"

"John, it would be so much more professional if you put the top down."

"Come on! Joining the Youth will be fun! It's not like you're ever gonna be the pope."

"Rick, I know this great Italian place just down the road..."

"It's called 'Hammer' on the street. Trust me Jimi, this stuff is great."

"The man isn't all that great! I'm telling you, just go ahead and trade George Ruth to the Yankees."

"You don't need shots to go to Africa!"

"Listen everyone, I know the country has been doing alright as of late, but Gore is just sooooo boring."

"Mr. Emperor, I heard about this great little place down a ways. The people tell me Waterloo is just beautiful at sunset."

"Ok, hear me out on this... what if we make a show just about Joey?"

"Ok, hear me out on this... what if we make a new Knightrider?"

"Ok, hear me out on this... what if we put Ben and Jen in a movie together?"

"Listen, your mom needs those 30 pieces of silver for her hospital bills..."

"Kevin, buddy, trust me it'll be a smash hit. If there are two things people love, it's a new world and water."

"To be fair Adolf, the Jews never let you play in any reindeer games"

"Yeah man, I don't think girls eating chocolate ice-cream out of a cup is risqué enough for this porn, time to kick it up a notch if you want teens to wank to this."

Bloggin' on home

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to all the innocent lives that were lost in the explosion of the death star... Anyways, so apparently Neil Patrick Harris had shit to do today and we, the immaculate, impregnable, and austere aides (you don't know what any of those adjectives mean, do you?) were left alone in the room the entire time. Chaos ensued. And by chaos, I mean hilarity. For instance, you should've seen the background we put on the fag's computer. However, we, the second most glorious aides in history (second only to Magic Johnson's) would also like to dedicate this blog to a cause. That cause is the reinstatement of the politically correct usage of the word "gay". We are tired of this fine adjective being used in a derogatory sense, and henceforth, the term "gay" shall be a synonym for awesome; also, if you prefer, it is ok to say gay spelled "geigh" or "ghey". That being said, I hope you geighboys have a fabulous day. ALSO, IT'S NOT GAY TO ERASE OUR QUOTES, AND THAT'S FROM MR. CROCKER HIMSELF. IF YOU KNOW WHO DID THIS GIVE HIM/HER HELL! (I'm countin' on you Pancho)

**Also, we're gonna try something new on here, and if it doesn't work out then we'll stop. Now announcing: The Crocker desktop backgrounds that were too terrible to put up!! Enjoy this picture

"Ladies and Gentlemen, do not believe the hype! Please do drink the Kool-Aid..."
--Jim Jones

"You guys hear that Charles Manson was obsessed with the Beatles? What a freak!"
--Mark David Chapman

"YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME LEAD!?!?"
--Anne Frank

"... After you open your back door... I'm sorry Dave, you just turn me on..."
--HAL 9000

"You would not believe how many people try to send me Jackhammers as presents..."
--Kevin Spacey

"Dude! Homophobia is so gay!"
--George Michael

"Surfing's never gonna catch on in Indonesia, I think they've seen enough big waves."
--(Insert wordly surfing enthusiast here)

"Hey, Petie, do I have something on my face?"
--John F.

"It would appear we have different interpretations of the phrase 'Love Tap'."
--Chris Brown

"...so if you just say it with an '-ah' instead of an '-er' you should be fine."
--MLK Jr.

"I could use a haircut..."
--Britney Spears

"This statement is a phallic symbol"
--Sigmund Freud

"We just arrested a man for having sex with a mare for a second time. I guess he couldn't take 'neigh' for an answer."
--John Winthrop

"Define teenage."
--R. Kelly

"Whoa there... Hate is a strong word."
--Hitler

"I hate it when he goes down on me... mostly because of the splinters."
--Martha Washington

"Lemme tell you, there are absolutely wonderful showers in Rwanda... those people know how to cleanse."
--Don Cheadle

Giving blood and grabing your junk

To any of you who donated blood today I hope you know the consequences of your actions. The donation of your blood might result in more minorities living. Actually, Bryan and I donated because we're awesome, although Bryan asked the woman not to give his blood to any negroes. Max didn't give blood today but will when he can. Basically, if you didn't give blood, you just aren't patriotic, or lacking all humanity, or incredibly homosexual. Like, people who don't give blood are just gay. Incredibly gay. Do they just not care that people are dying because they are so incredibly homosexual? No, probably not. Anyway, here's a real quote from 3rd period, and more will come later:

"Just bring your junk to my backyard and someone will grab it."
--JC

Quote me harder!!

Good afternoon minions, how are you all? I hope you all had, in the words of a certain teacher, a "faaaaaaaabuloussssssssssssss tuesday!!". (Tuesday as we all know is the gayest day of the week) So we've been doing our bios on the board (every word is true by the way) and haven't had anything rejected. We've gotten a few "really??"'s, but nothing censor worthy. I hope you all had the pleasure of seeing "There will be blood" on the board. Probably not, as your teacher is a gay man. Also, we've really taken a liking to writing WOMBATS on the board for no real reason. Just because we can I guess. Anyway, enjoy the quotes.
... By the way, you all can comment on here without having a blogspot. In fact, please do it.

"We have everything you want in a college; a beautiful campus, small classes, and tall bridges."
--Rutgers University

"There is no 'I' in team, but there is one in Dictatorship"
--Joseph Stalin

"Virginia Tech: Home of the highest rated marksmen program in the country!"
--Dean Tom Brown

"Fine by me, I wanted her to get an abortion anyway"
--Abraham

"Columbine High School: Emo-rock not allowed!"
--Official Motto (translated from latin)

"And this year's winner is... (opens envelope)... Anne Frank!!"
--Hide & Seek World Championship 1945

"I've gotta get something off my chest... We weren't actually promised anything, I just wanted to leave because I'm not a cat person"
--Moses

"I'm sorry honey, but if it makes you feel better she gave terrible dome"
--Bill Clinton

Nazis!

We haven't written a blog in the last few days because we've been really busy, and in the words of Hitler, "suck it up". And, much like Hitler when he said this, I'm also pantsless. Don't think the quotes haven't been coming as fast or as strong as they were - they have been, and believe me, there are things said in the midst of conversation that could potentially make Hellen Keller cry. The quotes the last few days have had all the intensity of a Mel Gibson drunken rage, or a Richard Simpson work-out video, or a Hasslehoff homemade video, so we obviously don't blame Tinkerbell for censoring them. We just lack the drive to write em on here, or let's face it, some days we have work to do. In 3rd period we do a lot: Write a quote, write the lesson plan, change the background on the desktop, write something under the screen, change the screensaver, make runs to Kroger, dust his unicorn statue, and occasionally grade a quiz or two. That's a lot to keep up with so we're sorry if we don't update the blog every day... And apparently we can't use any pope quotes on the whiteboard, apparently the pope is in his 5th period class. But, we make fun of jews all the time and last tuesday we drew a picture of the prophet Muhammed under the projector screen...with a moustache, sinners be damned, so forgive us if we're a little confused as to why the pope is a subject that we have to tiptoe around. Tiptoe...tiptoe...I could make a Stephen Hawkings joke... Enjoy:

"(on phone) Yeah... No... No, they would let me change my name to Goebbles... or Himmler... or Adolf"
--Pope Benedict XVI

"So I killed a female deer last night and mounted and stuffed it. And then I took her to the taxidermist."
--Teddy Roosevelt

"Hey honey, can you make me a sandwich?"
--Chris Brown

"I'm about to drop more coin on this game than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter."
--Charles Barkley

"The sex is so good, prostitutes pay me."
--The Situation

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall... What was I saying? And what are the names of my kids?"
--Ronald Reagan

"I'd like to announce that I am... wheeling for President again."
--FDR

"I have a confession to make. I did in fact bet on the Reds... Not the Cincinnati Reds, I bet on the Soviets to win the Cold War."
--Pete Rose

"Mary, I've told you this before. We're in the middle of a war! I need to see a play like I need a bullet in the head."
--Abe Lincoln

"Well, I can't eat m&m's anymore, but on the bright side I found a new way to masturbate!"
--Jesus Christ


On another note: We're having the Rave to Cure Epilepsy this Sunday no matter which Sunday that might be. "We'll have epilepsy shaking in it's little boots"

State mottos

I've been dying to write daterape on the whiteboard for years. Anyway, the story behind that is that Max has been coming up with new state mottos for years, and I usually like to add my three cents in. Unfortunately all our ideas get shot down, (I'm telling you Delaware, you're missing out), so we were forced to just write em on the Board. Of course, writing daterape in the school equivalent of a public washroom is a tad bit controversial. So we were forced to erase it. And thank God. For a few minutes I thought Gaylord Crocker was goin' soft(er) on us with all our quotes being allowed. One last thing: When we started this, our intention besides sticking it in the man... Sorry, I mean fighting authority... and making lots more gay jokes was to make the world a better place. And quite frankly, the world would be an awesome place if every time you drove into a state you saw these mottos. Enjoy.

**NOTE: We had a little help with coming up with these. I'd like to thank Bryan and Costello amongst others for helping.**

"Arkansas: It's only date rape if you take her out to dinner first."

"Mississippi: Obesity is just a state of mind"

"Alabama: Where 1865 never happened"

"Georgia: The only good thing to ever come out of here were the Cherokee"

"Florida: America's penis. Where white Americans flee Miami to not feel so dirty."

"California: 32 million people; eleven real boobs. You've got glaucoma, so do we."

"Pennsylvania: Where George Bush thinks pencils come from"

"North Dakota: Now with Black people! If you get us confused with South Dakota, we don't blame you...we do too."

"Like chemistry sets and explosions? Then welcome to Tennessee!"

"Montana: You could cut the lack of sexual tension with a knife"

"Oklahoma: America's dumping grounds"

"Kansas: Really?"

"Florida: Life's endzone"

"Ever seen a grown man naked? Come to Vermont!"

"Maine: The most forgotten about state."

"New Jersey: You've obviously been tricked"

"New Jersey: being a drunken idiot is a citizen requirement."

"New Jersey: Snookie's vagina!"

"Massachusetts: Pretentious and douchey!? YES PLEASE!"

"Wisconsin: Come smell our dairy air"

"Alaska: #1 in drilling"

"Alaska: You should probably speak Russian, we've got a lot of moose."

"New Jersey: Where the turnpike goes both ways, just like our ex-governor"

"South Dakota: Mount Rushmore & other stuff too"

"Wyoming - also known as North Rectangle"

"Washington: Home of the scrawny sweater-vested, twenty something, faux-intellectual with a loathsome name like "Trent" or "Chance" who reviews Thai fusion cafes for a local free weekly and who shops at tiny mom-and-pop bookstores that sell nothing printed less than five years ago"

"Have your papers, and have a good time in Arizona"

"Arizona: We refuse to speak spainish!"

"Connecticut: the whitest place on Earth"

"Nebraska: One rape away from Arkansas"

"Come shovel snow in July in Maine!"

"Rhode Island: Almost a state."

"Welcome to Rhode Island! Now leaving Rhode Island!"

"South Carolina: Civil what?"

"North Dakota: Home of a famous guy... But more importantly where Fargo was set"

"Kansas: As seen in the boring parts of the Wizard of Oz"

"New York: We have other buildings too, you know"

"Idaho: Who says camouflage in public is tacky?"

"Texas: The ability to hold your liquor is the only tolerance we know"

"Ohio: Home of our great president, Rutherford B. Hayes"

"Florida: Where even babies are old"

"New Jersey: The only land happily donated by Indians"

"Welcome to Utah! ... Got a sister?"

"West Virginia: If we're all supposed to be married to our cousins, then what am I doing in bed with my sister?"

"Kansas: The Trucker state. All exits lead to Ice-Cream and Porn"

"Arkansas: The last 'S' is silent, just like our women"

"Maryland: America's Belgium"

"Maryland: We've got crabs!"

"Nebraska: A great place if you're butt-ugly"

"Louisiana: Not just obese... Morbidly obese!"

"Louisiana: Gurgle, gurgle..."

"Georgia: The state that George W. Bush thinks is named after him"

"West Virginia: Where toes are just a myth"

"Alaska: Celebrating 2 and a half weeks of relevance"

"Alabama: Coloreds use other state motto"

"Alabama for coloreds: I didn't steal this car."

AMERICA: Never forget, we have nothing better to do! We may be bored, but we're not a third world country!