Senior quotes

TUQS is facing a crisis as of late. The last two days our quotes have been accepted. This turn of events is about as unexpected as walking into third period and seeing Liberace in a threesome with Lance Bass and, well, Liberace. We might have to start writing incredibly awful quotes just so we can put something on here. I'm not complaining, you've probably heard me say before that our quotes need to be shared with the world, and not just 10th graders. Today's Charles Lindbergh quote was beautiful, and if you didn't get it then I don't recommend living in the great depression - you just wouldn't get the humor. And I could make more jokes about kidnapping and killing babies, but I think I should wait for when I'm in the same room as Max to do that - his presence inspires baby killing, it's why we run a jewish abortion clinic called "Bun in the Oven". So I think I'd rather share the list of senior quotes I passed over. In no particular order:

"It's about to go down like a priest on an altar boy"
--Lil Wayne

"... ... ... ... ... .......... ... .... .... ... .. ....."
--Terri Schiavo

"Your pile of cocaine smells funny"
--George W. Bush

"Hey Jaquan, go get me a... Awww fuck"
--Abe Lincoln

"Doing amphetamines is like hating jews. It was okay back in the 40's when everyone was doing it. Difference is, nobody would ever elect a pope on amphetamines."
--Leo Tolstoy

"People mock me, but it's always been my dream to win the Nobel Peace Prize."
--Adolf Hitler

"It's really hard to wank it on an empty stomach."
--Ghandi

"He's in a better place now... with Xenu"
--John Travolta

"(Whispers to Jefferson) Does Hamilton know he brought a water pistol?"
--George Washington

"... It's actually russian for Syphilis"
--David Duchovny

Famous Last Words Edition

Sometimes people die. Don't be alarmed, but also don't be aroused. Scratch that, it's okay if you're aroused, it's a natural part of life. Today we were pleasantly surprised to find out that our fagulous..oops Freudian slip...fabulous english teacher actually let us keep the quote the way it is, go figure the quote we put up concerning the death of Mama Cass would be suitable for Professor Fairy's high expectations. But, I digress. Where were we?? Oh yeah, people die. You're gonna' die, I'm gonna' die, and I'll probably die after you, holding the gun that took out your left temple...We've dedicated todays quotes to dead people and the things they probably didn't say as they were dying, or what they might say before they die, but probably not.

"Almost there"
--Elvis Presley

"This shotgun isn't loaded"
--Kurt Cobain

"He's a tiny man, with a tiny mustache, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
--Joseph Goldstein

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
--Harvey Milk (Crazy Fag wrote that one)

"I give great head, but this is ridiculous."
--Marie Antoinette

"That's a huge dick!"
--Captain Ahab

"I'm not usually a gambling man, but this plane looks pretty sturdy."
--John Denver

"This heroin tastes funny..."
--Jimi Hendrix

"I'm pretty sure I just died."
--Keith Richards

"No, I'm Spartacus."
--Spartacus

"I'm no doctor, but I don't think I should take the whole bottle, Doctor."
--Heath Ledger

"Heart attacks are for faggots!"
--Jerry Falwell

Doin' more quotes than George Bush in the 70's

I'd like to start this one with an actual quote.
"Suicide - n. [sui, of oneself + cide] The intentional killing of oneself"
--Webster's Dictionary 

I believe the key word there is 'intentional'. If I accidentally walk off a 60 story building, it's not suicide. And I bring this up because of our quote today:

"Dave, I didn't think you'd have enough money left to make it to our family reunion, but you tightened your belt and came."
--Paul Carradine

SPOILER ALERT: This paragraph will either ruin the quotes below for you, or allow them to make sense)
If you're wondering, Dave Carradine was in to Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Translation: He like to be choked while jerking it. So, he used a perfectly nice belt to do the choking and - whoops -  He accidentally hanged himself in the middle of masturbating. So when we wrote it up on the board, the roman bathhouse of English teachers made us take it down. BUT WAIT! Not because it's about some grotesque pleasure one gets while spankin' it when being choked, but because he didn't want any suicide jokes a month after watching a suicide prevention show. We here at TUQS say "Bull shit, that's not a suicide joke, it's an autoerotic asphyxiation joke you fag." So in honor of David Carradine and his fetish, this one's for him, and all the chokers, masturbaters, and Kung Fu fans.

"Bro, don't leave me hangin'"
--D.C.

"eggs
belt
ham
a sock
a stool
cheese
Penthouse
milk
Bud Light
Blueberries
lotion
Olivia Newton-John cd
Plane ticket to Bankok"
--Dave Carradine's grocery list

"Of all the Gin joints in town, she had to walk into mine... And she came and went, just like David Carradine."
--Rick Blaine

"We used to have a dog and daddy would beat it with his belt. And then he'd beat the dog."
--Tom Carradine, son of D.C.

"I'm tellin' you Bro, a wet dreamsicle is so much better when she's chokin' you from behind."
--"The Situation"

Spousal abuse rampant in Lou-isville

So today we wrote a quote on the board from Lou Ferrigno's wife. But we didn't write "Lou Ferrigno's wife". We wrote "Carla Ferrigno". Two completely different ways to say the same thing. And  by now, you're wondering, "Who the hell is Lou Ferrigno?", well, suffice me to say, that's the beauty of the joke. Odds are, only 3 out of 147 kids will get this esoteric reference. Add that to the number who know what esoteric means, and you won't even need to take off your shoes. But can we write it?? Noooooooo. Our english teacher, George Michael, made us take it down, saying that even if one of his students took offense to a domestic abuse joke, he could be fired. But the quote had moxie and subtlety that people lack in today's world, and we here at TUQS applaud that, so we dedicated the whole day's entry to Sweet Lou.

"(Covers eye and cries) I hate it when he's angry!" -Carla Ferrigno

"The best thing about being married to a panda: no one notices the black eyes...and you get to fuck a panda! -Lou Ferrigno

"What?? We were only playing with Hulk Hands..."
-Lou Ferrigno

"Anyone who makes fun of my purple pants has it coming as far as I'm concerned"
--Lou Ferrigno

"Sorry officer, I swear she looked just like She-hulk."
--Lou Ferrigno

 "This is a serious topic... and I want to assure you that if you've ever been hurt by domestic abuse, then somebody's been doing their job right."
 -- Lou Ferrigno

"You wouldn't like me when you're not in the kitchen."
--Lou Ferrigno


"No need to fret, sir. I turn green when I'm mad... and she turns black and blue."
--Lou Ferrigno

The quotes less traveled by...

We, the people of these United States, have taken it upon ourselves to misquote the greatest minds of our generations, we think they would appreciate it. And, if not, 'Fuck em' they've mostly been assassinated. Our "hetero" english teacher has taken it upon himself to act as dilligent censor to our daily obligation to this beautiful nation. So, Crockerdile...the ball is in your court...no pun intended. This list is not for small children, or the faint of heart, or small children without hearts...

"If this is an open bar, where are all the bitches?"
--Ernest Hemingway

"(waves hand)...Jackie, we had to get the convertible, this is a parade, how else could I feel the wi.."
--JFK

"You can put the saltiest nuts in your mouth to see who can keep 'em there without gargling or choking...if you're bored and hungry..."
--George Washington Carver (Use #32 of the peanut)

"You sir, did not call shotgun. I've had fives on this seat all day."
--Rosa Parks

"I have a dream...that I'm in my underwear in front of a large crowd and a gunman is chasing me down...it was terrifying"
--MLK

"I'll go 20,000 leagues under...ladies"
--Jules Verne

"I had a wet dreamsicle...all over her face last night. Fistpump!"
--"The Situation" (the forefather of awesome)

"I heard you're dating a black girl...you're welcome"
--Abe Lincoln

"There are three things one must always have handy: their wallet, their watch, and an extra belt."
--David Carradine

 "My mind is telling me no, but this bed post is totally saying 'Go for it dude'....weird...'HEY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?'"
--Ted Bundy

"Dude... Don't be such a jew."
--Adolf Hitler

"Shut the fuck up Judas, nobody likes you."
--Jesus Christ