Movies and Quotes (Our 3 Favorite Things)

We here at TUQS love movies almost as much as we love quotes, and don't even get us started on movie-quotes! As movie lovers (Meaning we have literally made love to a VCR... or two) we'd like to extend our potent quotables to our favorite movies. This blog will all be one sentence plot summaries of famous movies, as you might see on a basic cable description, or tatooed on your uncle's lower back. We'd like to say we came up with this... so we will. Doug Benson's new show had nothing to do with this, now stop asking before I sweep kick your legs! That was a movie reference, but it's ok if you didn't get it, not all of you are as big of fans of Titanic as we are.

"Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones fight illegal immigrants!"
--Men in Black

"Johnny Depp on way too many drugs!"
--Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

"Johnny Depp on way too many boats!"
--Pirates of the Carribean

"Johnny Depp killing way too many women!"
--Secret Window

"Johnny Depp eats way too much Chocolate!"
--Charlie and the Chocolate Factory/possibly Chocolat

"Struggle of Natives against militant invasion!"
--Pochahontas

See Above in Blue
--Avatar

"Escapades of a semi-retarded ping pong master."
--Forrest Gump

"Irish Badasses kill people!"
--Boondock Saints, The Departed, Leap Year, P.S. I Love You

"A young man travels back in time and almost becomes his own father!"
--Back to the Future

"A young man must learn to use his other hand."
--Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (Thank you Doug)

"A computer program plays with its balls"
--Tron: Legacy

"Illegal Alien is smuggled out of the country!"
--ET

"A man opens a box and gets more than he asked for!"
--Raiders of the Lost Ark

"A black man beats up an italian guy!"
--Rocky

"A man opens a box and gets more than he asked for"
--Se7en

"A story of triumph in the face of racial prejudice."
--American History X

"Two dogs and a kitten looking to get home."
--O Brother Where Art thou?

"Everybody dies."
--No Country for Old Men

"A satirical look at the History of the world."
--The Passion of the Christ

"The story of Michael Vick."
--Old Yeller

"Threesome? Yes please."
--Wild Things

"Tom Hanks spends years on his own and grows a beard."
--Castaway

"Tom Hanks spends years on his own and grows a beard."
--Forrest Gump

"Tom Hanks spends years on his own and grows a beard."
--The DaVinci Code

"Documentary about voice changing software."
--The Dark Knight

"A pre-cancer Patrick Swayze and a pre-cancer-of-the-career Wesley Snipes in a manly action movie."
--To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar

"The story of a man in his underwear tracking down gang crime."
--Superman

"The story of a man in his underwear tracking down gang crime."
--Batman

"The story of a man in his underwear tracking down gang crime."
--The Big Lebowski

"How to tell if you're gay."
--Dear John

The Quotish are coming!

We know what you're thinking, yes, the title of this post is a double meaning (If you don't get it, try to spell coming phonetically). As far as taking half a month off we'd like to quote our respective assorted uncle's and other family members: "STOP CRYING AND SUCK IT UP!" (also something Crocker says all the time) Good, now that we have that out of the way we'd also like to put this forth, we're sorry for the break, everybody needs a vacation, even drug dealers. We understand you can't go long without us, also like drug dealers, and for depriving you of your "crack" we are sorry. So lets get this show on the road... Homo. (Had to put it in there somewhere)

"Such a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky..."
--Pilot stationed at Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941

"You'd be amazed! Bleach can clean just about anything..."
--Ted Bundy

"I thought about being veterinarian when I was a kid, I just love dogs!"
--David Berkowitz

"Who said clowns were scary!?"
--John Wayne Gacy Jr.

"Last guy I told to knock on wood punched me in the face!"
--George Washington

"You didn't know I was an artist? I have one of my paintings right above my oven"
--Adolf Hitler

"Define 'statutory'"
--John Mayer

"Hey man, do I have something on my face?"
--Charles Manson

"Magic Johnson ain't got nothing ON ME!!!"
--Freddie Mercury

"True knowledge only exists in knowing that Aristotle's mom wants to Σ my Δ"
--Socrates

"Speak softly and carry a big stick"
--Ron Jeremy

"This water tastes sooooo good!"
--Michael Phelps

It's been a while...

We're sorry. Okay? We're sorry it's taken us so long. Blame JC. If he hadn't gone to Europe, we'd be in our sexual quoting climax, alas, right now we didn't get off, and we are the quoting equivalent of blueballed right now. With no quotes being invented that whole week, we are just not even thinking straight right now. It's probably because we're looking at animal genetals. Any who, here is a few quotes:

"Last time someone said knock on wood somebody punched me in the face."
--George Washington

"Are you gay? Then you'll love the shakeweight!"
--Ad

"You know... The Fortress of Solitude gets lonely sometimes..."
--Superman's pick-up line

"Its time to make a stand against polio...oh wait."
--FDR

"I love teaching the children their ABC's."
--Michael Jackson

"I need advice... How do I tell Helen I gave her syphilis?"
--Anne Sullivan

"Hey Patrick Swayze! I know you dead and all, and Imma let you finish, but Michael Jackson had the best death of the year!!"
--Kanye West
'

Will quote for beer!!

I feel the creative juices flowing, and yes, I think "Creative" is the worst name for a Taiwanese hooker, too...oh well, I don't pay her to say her name while doing things with a tennis racket that even Ted Bundy would gag at. Today was a good day, I walked into Caligula's room and there was a sea of papers that needed to be graded, Bryan smelled like rotten baby oil (from actual babies) and Rocky was in a coma...wait, actually that's not that great of a day, practically the most heterosexual day yet --grading papers sucks. Anyway, we had some good quotes today, nothing spectacular, but had out racist and prejudiced laughs while using our new definition of the word gay liberally. Over all Crock-Master Jay only declined a few of our quotes, so we lost all time and ended up putting "Wombats" in a heart on the quote board...not our best, but for some reason we love writing and saying the word Wombats, it's like verbal masturbation. Try it. Okay stop! What I'm trying to say is that our ideas are as censored as a Lil Wayne radio edit and it is stunting our creative growth, and, in Bryan's case, penile growth. It's just so important to Richard Simmons that he keeps his job as teacher of the kind of assholes that erase Charles Dickens quotes that he jilts our predetermined roles in life as vehement misquoters. Anyway, I digress, I really came here to make terrible jokes and completely contradict my indignant nature with potty humor that a toddler would scoff at. So scoff away. After you scoff at this.

"My client would like to point out that he doesn't like to wear gloves while murdering."
--Johnnie Cochran

"Painting should be like diarrhea: it should be unexpected and painful and look like shit!"
--Jackson Pollock

"Nigga' pleaseth!"
--Othello

"I think i'm seeing things... The other day I coulda sworn I saw myself in a grilled cheese"
--Jesus

"Joe: MARY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BABY ISN'T MINE? JESUS H. CHRIST!
Mary: What a great name...you're just jealous because you got bested by God at online poker, he said you were being douchy about that.
Joe: Oh did he? Well, you can tell that son of a bitch that he can go straight to hell.
Mary: You're being a little selfish, God and I were just drunk and you know how I have a thing for old men, that's why we own all of the Rolling Stones albums.
Joe: The kid is never going to listen to me, it's always gonna be like 'You're not my real Dad' and that'll just peeve me.
Mary: Don't make a thing out of this. It's only for a little whie.
Joe: Well, if he ever acts up I'll crucify him! Bastard kid.
Mary: You're such an asshole, God I hate you, wait I mean Joe, I hate you."
--The Bible (Bronx translation)

"I know I'm short, but that's not the only reason I don't have many thetans."
--Tom Cruise

"(on phone) ... yes, I'm calling about my adoption of Africa... yes, all of them"
--Angelina Jolie

"Ok, so I can open the fridge with it, drive my boat with it, and screw with it... If only my penis could cure our hepatitis."
--Tommy Lee


[MORE AP VOCAB] Twat - vt. Past tense of tweet

Sharkbate - n. What sharks do at the end of the day to unwind; puppies

Puppy Cock Punching Anonymous

Live from the dreaded room of doom, it's wednesday morning. We have had a Top Gun infested day, and some of you would be horrified if you knew the true meaning of Top Gun. It's pretty straight. And I hope you read yesterday's blog for clarification on that last sentence. Anyway, it's about as straight as this picture. Now that you're horrified, and probably will be for life, let's be serious for a minute. I give great advice - to anybody who asks for it. But this wasn't always the case. It's like driving a stick: you're gonna stall out plenty of times before you master it, and I'd just like to share with you all the times that I messed up - I admit, I messed up royally a few times, but I'm here to share my experiences with you, so you can learn from my mistakes.

"I'm telling you bro, we'll make a killing investing in Enron."

"Honey, I think you should go into work tomorrow and then take off the 12th and 13th so we can have a 4 day weekend together. Maybe we can enjoy this beautiful September weather!"

"John, it would be so much more professional if you put the top down."

"Come on! Joining the Youth will be fun! It's not like you're ever gonna be the pope."

"Rick, I know this great Italian place just down the road..."

"It's called 'Hammer' on the street. Trust me Jimi, this stuff is great."

"The man isn't all that great! I'm telling you, just go ahead and trade George Ruth to the Yankees."

"You don't need shots to go to Africa!"

"Listen everyone, I know the country has been doing alright as of late, but Gore is just sooooo boring."

"Mr. Emperor, I heard about this great little place down a ways. The people tell me Waterloo is just beautiful at sunset."

"Ok, hear me out on this... what if we make a show just about Joey?"

"Ok, hear me out on this... what if we make a new Knightrider?"

"Ok, hear me out on this... what if we put Ben and Jen in a movie together?"

"Listen, your mom needs those 30 pieces of silver for her hospital bills..."

"Kevin, buddy, trust me it'll be a smash hit. If there are two things people love, it's a new world and water."

"To be fair Adolf, the Jews never let you play in any reindeer games"

"Yeah man, I don't think girls eating chocolate ice-cream out of a cup is risqué enough for this porn, time to kick it up a notch if you want teens to wank to this."

Bloggin' on home

I'd like to dedicate this blog post to all the innocent lives that were lost in the explosion of the death star... Anyways, so apparently Neil Patrick Harris had shit to do today and we, the immaculate, impregnable, and austere aides (you don't know what any of those adjectives mean, do you?) were left alone in the room the entire time. Chaos ensued. And by chaos, I mean hilarity. For instance, you should've seen the background we put on the fag's computer. However, we, the second most glorious aides in history (second only to Magic Johnson's) would also like to dedicate this blog to a cause. That cause is the reinstatement of the politically correct usage of the word "gay". We are tired of this fine adjective being used in a derogatory sense, and henceforth, the term "gay" shall be a synonym for awesome; also, if you prefer, it is ok to say gay spelled "geigh" or "ghey". That being said, I hope you geighboys have a fabulous day. ALSO, IT'S NOT GAY TO ERASE OUR QUOTES, AND THAT'S FROM MR. CROCKER HIMSELF. IF YOU KNOW WHO DID THIS GIVE HIM/HER HELL! (I'm countin' on you Pancho)

**Also, we're gonna try something new on here, and if it doesn't work out then we'll stop. Now announcing: The Crocker desktop backgrounds that were too terrible to put up!! Enjoy this picture

"Ladies and Gentlemen, do not believe the hype! Please do drink the Kool-Aid..."
--Jim Jones

"You guys hear that Charles Manson was obsessed with the Beatles? What a freak!"
--Mark David Chapman

"YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME LEAD!?!?"
--Anne Frank

"... After you open your back door... I'm sorry Dave, you just turn me on..."
--HAL 9000

"You would not believe how many people try to send me Jackhammers as presents..."
--Kevin Spacey

"Dude! Homophobia is so gay!"
--George Michael

"Surfing's never gonna catch on in Indonesia, I think they've seen enough big waves."
--(Insert wordly surfing enthusiast here)

"Hey, Petie, do I have something on my face?"
--John F.

"It would appear we have different interpretations of the phrase 'Love Tap'."
--Chris Brown

"...so if you just say it with an '-ah' instead of an '-er' you should be fine."
--MLK Jr.

"I could use a haircut..."
--Britney Spears

"This statement is a phallic symbol"
--Sigmund Freud

"We just arrested a man for having sex with a mare for a second time. I guess he couldn't take 'neigh' for an answer."
--John Winthrop

"Define teenage."
--R. Kelly

"Whoa there... Hate is a strong word."
--Hitler

"I hate it when he goes down on me... mostly because of the splinters."
--Martha Washington

"Lemme tell you, there are absolutely wonderful showers in Rwanda... those people know how to cleanse."
--Don Cheadle

Giving blood and grabing your junk

To any of you who donated blood today I hope you know the consequences of your actions. The donation of your blood might result in more minorities living. Actually, Bryan and I donated because we're awesome, although Bryan asked the woman not to give his blood to any negroes. Max didn't give blood today but will when he can. Basically, if you didn't give blood, you just aren't patriotic, or lacking all humanity, or incredibly homosexual. Like, people who don't give blood are just gay. Incredibly gay. Do they just not care that people are dying because they are so incredibly homosexual? No, probably not. Anyway, here's a real quote from 3rd period, and more will come later:

"Just bring your junk to my backyard and someone will grab it."
--JC

Quote me harder!!

Good afternoon minions, how are you all? I hope you all had, in the words of a certain teacher, a "faaaaaaaabuloussssssssssssss tuesday!!". (Tuesday as we all know is the gayest day of the week) So we've been doing our bios on the board (every word is true by the way) and haven't had anything rejected. We've gotten a few "really??"'s, but nothing censor worthy. I hope you all had the pleasure of seeing "There will be blood" on the board. Probably not, as your teacher is a gay man. Also, we've really taken a liking to writing WOMBATS on the board for no real reason. Just because we can I guess. Anyway, enjoy the quotes.
... By the way, you all can comment on here without having a blogspot. In fact, please do it.

"We have everything you want in a college; a beautiful campus, small classes, and tall bridges."
--Rutgers University

"There is no 'I' in team, but there is one in Dictatorship"
--Joseph Stalin

"Virginia Tech: Home of the highest rated marksmen program in the country!"
--Dean Tom Brown

"Fine by me, I wanted her to get an abortion anyway"
--Abraham

"Columbine High School: Emo-rock not allowed!"
--Official Motto (translated from latin)

"And this year's winner is... (opens envelope)... Anne Frank!!"
--Hide & Seek World Championship 1945

"I've gotta get something off my chest... We weren't actually promised anything, I just wanted to leave because I'm not a cat person"
--Moses

"I'm sorry honey, but if it makes you feel better she gave terrible dome"
--Bill Clinton

Nazis!

We haven't written a blog in the last few days because we've been really busy, and in the words of Hitler, "suck it up". And, much like Hitler when he said this, I'm also pantsless. Don't think the quotes haven't been coming as fast or as strong as they were - they have been, and believe me, there are things said in the midst of conversation that could potentially make Hellen Keller cry. The quotes the last few days have had all the intensity of a Mel Gibson drunken rage, or a Richard Simpson work-out video, or a Hasslehoff homemade video, so we obviously don't blame Tinkerbell for censoring them. We just lack the drive to write em on here, or let's face it, some days we have work to do. In 3rd period we do a lot: Write a quote, write the lesson plan, change the background on the desktop, write something under the screen, change the screensaver, make runs to Kroger, dust his unicorn statue, and occasionally grade a quiz or two. That's a lot to keep up with so we're sorry if we don't update the blog every day... And apparently we can't use any pope quotes on the whiteboard, apparently the pope is in his 5th period class. But, we make fun of jews all the time and last tuesday we drew a picture of the prophet Muhammed under the projector screen...with a moustache, sinners be damned, so forgive us if we're a little confused as to why the pope is a subject that we have to tiptoe around. Tiptoe...tiptoe...I could make a Stephen Hawkings joke... Enjoy:

"(on phone) Yeah... No... No, they would let me change my name to Goebbles... or Himmler... or Adolf"
--Pope Benedict XVI

"So I killed a female deer last night and mounted and stuffed it. And then I took her to the taxidermist."
--Teddy Roosevelt

"Hey honey, can you make me a sandwich?"
--Chris Brown

"I'm about to drop more coin on this game than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter."
--Charles Barkley

"The sex is so good, prostitutes pay me."
--The Situation

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall... What was I saying? And what are the names of my kids?"
--Ronald Reagan

"I'd like to announce that I am... wheeling for President again."
--FDR

"I have a confession to make. I did in fact bet on the Reds... Not the Cincinnati Reds, I bet on the Soviets to win the Cold War."
--Pete Rose

"Mary, I've told you this before. We're in the middle of a war! I need to see a play like I need a bullet in the head."
--Abe Lincoln

"Well, I can't eat m&m's anymore, but on the bright side I found a new way to masturbate!"
--Jesus Christ


On another note: We're having the Rave to Cure Epilepsy this Sunday no matter which Sunday that might be. "We'll have epilepsy shaking in it's little boots"

State mottos

I've been dying to write daterape on the whiteboard for years. Anyway, the story behind that is that Max has been coming up with new state mottos for years, and I usually like to add my three cents in. Unfortunately all our ideas get shot down, (I'm telling you Delaware, you're missing out), so we were forced to just write em on the Board. Of course, writing daterape in the school equivalent of a public washroom is a tad bit controversial. So we were forced to erase it. And thank God. For a few minutes I thought Gaylord Crocker was goin' soft(er) on us with all our quotes being allowed. One last thing: When we started this, our intention besides sticking it in the man... Sorry, I mean fighting authority... and making lots more gay jokes was to make the world a better place. And quite frankly, the world would be an awesome place if every time you drove into a state you saw these mottos. Enjoy.

**NOTE: We had a little help with coming up with these. I'd like to thank Bryan and Costello amongst others for helping.**

"Arkansas: It's only date rape if you take her out to dinner first."

"Mississippi: Obesity is just a state of mind"

"Alabama: Where 1865 never happened"

"Georgia: The only good thing to ever come out of here were the Cherokee"

"Florida: America's penis. Where white Americans flee Miami to not feel so dirty."

"California: 32 million people; eleven real boobs. You've got glaucoma, so do we."

"Pennsylvania: Where George Bush thinks pencils come from"

"North Dakota: Now with Black people! If you get us confused with South Dakota, we don't blame you...we do too."

"Like chemistry sets and explosions? Then welcome to Tennessee!"

"Montana: You could cut the lack of sexual tension with a knife"

"Oklahoma: America's dumping grounds"

"Kansas: Really?"

"Florida: Life's endzone"

"Ever seen a grown man naked? Come to Vermont!"

"Maine: The most forgotten about state."

"New Jersey: You've obviously been tricked"

"New Jersey: being a drunken idiot is a citizen requirement."

"New Jersey: Snookie's vagina!"

"Massachusetts: Pretentious and douchey!? YES PLEASE!"

"Wisconsin: Come smell our dairy air"

"Alaska: #1 in drilling"

"Alaska: You should probably speak Russian, we've got a lot of moose."

"New Jersey: Where the turnpike goes both ways, just like our ex-governor"

"South Dakota: Mount Rushmore & other stuff too"

"Wyoming - also known as North Rectangle"

"Washington: Home of the scrawny sweater-vested, twenty something, faux-intellectual with a loathsome name like "Trent" or "Chance" who reviews Thai fusion cafes for a local free weekly and who shops at tiny mom-and-pop bookstores that sell nothing printed less than five years ago"

"Have your papers, and have a good time in Arizona"

"Arizona: We refuse to speak spainish!"

"Connecticut: the whitest place on Earth"

"Nebraska: One rape away from Arkansas"

"Come shovel snow in July in Maine!"

"Rhode Island: Almost a state."

"Welcome to Rhode Island! Now leaving Rhode Island!"

"South Carolina: Civil what?"

"North Dakota: Home of a famous guy... But more importantly where Fargo was set"

"Kansas: As seen in the boring parts of the Wizard of Oz"

"New York: We have other buildings too, you know"

"Idaho: Who says camouflage in public is tacky?"

"Texas: The ability to hold your liquor is the only tolerance we know"

"Ohio: Home of our great president, Rutherford B. Hayes"

"Florida: Where even babies are old"

"New Jersey: The only land happily donated by Indians"

"Welcome to Utah! ... Got a sister?"

"West Virginia: If we're all supposed to be married to our cousins, then what am I doing in bed with my sister?"

"Kansas: The Trucker state. All exits lead to Ice-Cream and Porn"

"Arkansas: The last 'S' is silent, just like our women"

"Maryland: America's Belgium"

"Maryland: We've got crabs!"

"Nebraska: A great place if you're butt-ugly"

"Louisiana: Not just obese... Morbidly obese!"

"Louisiana: Gurgle, gurgle..."

"Georgia: The state that George W. Bush thinks is named after him"

"West Virginia: Where toes are just a myth"

"Alaska: Celebrating 2 and a half weeks of relevance"

"Alabama: Coloreds use other state motto"

"Alabama for coloreds: I didn't steal this car."

AMERICA: Never forget, we have nothing better to do! We may be bored, but we're not a third world country!

Senior quotes

TUQS is facing a crisis as of late. The last two days our quotes have been accepted. This turn of events is about as unexpected as walking into third period and seeing Liberace in a threesome with Lance Bass and, well, Liberace. We might have to start writing incredibly awful quotes just so we can put something on here. I'm not complaining, you've probably heard me say before that our quotes need to be shared with the world, and not just 10th graders. Today's Charles Lindbergh quote was beautiful, and if you didn't get it then I don't recommend living in the great depression - you just wouldn't get the humor. And I could make more jokes about kidnapping and killing babies, but I think I should wait for when I'm in the same room as Max to do that - his presence inspires baby killing, it's why we run a jewish abortion clinic called "Bun in the Oven". So I think I'd rather share the list of senior quotes I passed over. In no particular order:

"It's about to go down like a priest on an altar boy"
--Lil Wayne

"... ... ... ... ... .......... ... .... .... ... .. ....."
--Terri Schiavo

"Your pile of cocaine smells funny"
--George W. Bush

"Hey Jaquan, go get me a... Awww fuck"
--Abe Lincoln

"Doing amphetamines is like hating jews. It was okay back in the 40's when everyone was doing it. Difference is, nobody would ever elect a pope on amphetamines."
--Leo Tolstoy

"People mock me, but it's always been my dream to win the Nobel Peace Prize."
--Adolf Hitler

"It's really hard to wank it on an empty stomach."
--Ghandi

"He's in a better place now... with Xenu"
--John Travolta

"(Whispers to Jefferson) Does Hamilton know he brought a water pistol?"
--George Washington

"... It's actually russian for Syphilis"
--David Duchovny

Famous Last Words Edition

Sometimes people die. Don't be alarmed, but also don't be aroused. Scratch that, it's okay if you're aroused, it's a natural part of life. Today we were pleasantly surprised to find out that our fagulous..oops Freudian slip...fabulous english teacher actually let us keep the quote the way it is, go figure the quote we put up concerning the death of Mama Cass would be suitable for Professor Fairy's high expectations. But, I digress. Where were we?? Oh yeah, people die. You're gonna' die, I'm gonna' die, and I'll probably die after you, holding the gun that took out your left temple...We've dedicated todays quotes to dead people and the things they probably didn't say as they were dying, or what they might say before they die, but probably not.

"Almost there"
--Elvis Presley

"This shotgun isn't loaded"
--Kurt Cobain

"He's a tiny man, with a tiny mustache, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
--Joseph Goldstein

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
--Harvey Milk (Crazy Fag wrote that one)

"I give great head, but this is ridiculous."
--Marie Antoinette

"That's a huge dick!"
--Captain Ahab

"I'm not usually a gambling man, but this plane looks pretty sturdy."
--John Denver

"This heroin tastes funny..."
--Jimi Hendrix

"I'm pretty sure I just died."
--Keith Richards

"No, I'm Spartacus."
--Spartacus

"I'm no doctor, but I don't think I should take the whole bottle, Doctor."
--Heath Ledger

"Heart attacks are for faggots!"
--Jerry Falwell

Doin' more quotes than George Bush in the 70's

I'd like to start this one with an actual quote.
"Suicide - n. [sui, of oneself + cide] The intentional killing of oneself"
--Webster's Dictionary 

I believe the key word there is 'intentional'. If I accidentally walk off a 60 story building, it's not suicide. And I bring this up because of our quote today:

"Dave, I didn't think you'd have enough money left to make it to our family reunion, but you tightened your belt and came."
--Paul Carradine

SPOILER ALERT: This paragraph will either ruin the quotes below for you, or allow them to make sense)
If you're wondering, Dave Carradine was in to Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Translation: He like to be choked while jerking it. So, he used a perfectly nice belt to do the choking and - whoops -  He accidentally hanged himself in the middle of masturbating. So when we wrote it up on the board, the roman bathhouse of English teachers made us take it down. BUT WAIT! Not because it's about some grotesque pleasure one gets while spankin' it when being choked, but because he didn't want any suicide jokes a month after watching a suicide prevention show. We here at TUQS say "Bull shit, that's not a suicide joke, it's an autoerotic asphyxiation joke you fag." So in honor of David Carradine and his fetish, this one's for him, and all the chokers, masturbaters, and Kung Fu fans.

"Bro, don't leave me hangin'"
--D.C.

"eggs
belt
ham
a sock
a stool
cheese
Penthouse
milk
Bud Light
Blueberries
lotion
Olivia Newton-John cd
Plane ticket to Bankok"
--Dave Carradine's grocery list

"Of all the Gin joints in town, she had to walk into mine... And she came and went, just like David Carradine."
--Rick Blaine

"We used to have a dog and daddy would beat it with his belt. And then he'd beat the dog."
--Tom Carradine, son of D.C.

"I'm tellin' you Bro, a wet dreamsicle is so much better when she's chokin' you from behind."
--"The Situation"

Spousal abuse rampant in Lou-isville

So today we wrote a quote on the board from Lou Ferrigno's wife. But we didn't write "Lou Ferrigno's wife". We wrote "Carla Ferrigno". Two completely different ways to say the same thing. And  by now, you're wondering, "Who the hell is Lou Ferrigno?", well, suffice me to say, that's the beauty of the joke. Odds are, only 3 out of 147 kids will get this esoteric reference. Add that to the number who know what esoteric means, and you won't even need to take off your shoes. But can we write it?? Noooooooo. Our english teacher, George Michael, made us take it down, saying that even if one of his students took offense to a domestic abuse joke, he could be fired. But the quote had moxie and subtlety that people lack in today's world, and we here at TUQS applaud that, so we dedicated the whole day's entry to Sweet Lou.

"(Covers eye and cries) I hate it when he's angry!" -Carla Ferrigno

"The best thing about being married to a panda: no one notices the black eyes...and you get to fuck a panda! -Lou Ferrigno

"What?? We were only playing with Hulk Hands..."
-Lou Ferrigno

"Anyone who makes fun of my purple pants has it coming as far as I'm concerned"
--Lou Ferrigno

"Sorry officer, I swear she looked just like She-hulk."
--Lou Ferrigno

 "This is a serious topic... and I want to assure you that if you've ever been hurt by domestic abuse, then somebody's been doing their job right."
 -- Lou Ferrigno

"You wouldn't like me when you're not in the kitchen."
--Lou Ferrigno


"No need to fret, sir. I turn green when I'm mad... and she turns black and blue."
--Lou Ferrigno

The quotes less traveled by...

We, the people of these United States, have taken it upon ourselves to misquote the greatest minds of our generations, we think they would appreciate it. And, if not, 'Fuck em' they've mostly been assassinated. Our "hetero" english teacher has taken it upon himself to act as dilligent censor to our daily obligation to this beautiful nation. So, Crockerdile...the ball is in your court...no pun intended. This list is not for small children, or the faint of heart, or small children without hearts...

"If this is an open bar, where are all the bitches?"
--Ernest Hemingway

"(waves hand)...Jackie, we had to get the convertible, this is a parade, how else could I feel the wi.."
--JFK

"You can put the saltiest nuts in your mouth to see who can keep 'em there without gargling or choking...if you're bored and hungry..."
--George Washington Carver (Use #32 of the peanut)

"You sir, did not call shotgun. I've had fives on this seat all day."
--Rosa Parks

"I have a dream...that I'm in my underwear in front of a large crowd and a gunman is chasing me down...it was terrifying"
--MLK

"I'll go 20,000 leagues under...ladies"
--Jules Verne

"I had a wet dreamsicle...all over her face last night. Fistpump!"
--"The Situation" (the forefather of awesome)

"I heard you're dating a black girl...you're welcome"
--Abe Lincoln

"There are three things one must always have handy: their wallet, their watch, and an extra belt."
--David Carradine

 "My mind is telling me no, but this bed post is totally saying 'Go for it dude'....weird...'HEY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?'"
--Ted Bundy

"Dude... Don't be such a jew."
--Adolf Hitler

"Shut the fuck up Judas, nobody likes you."
--Jesus Christ