I'd like to take a break from Bryan's beautiful book to bring you something else. I was rummaging through the Raque Family Attic and I found a diary page from a man who I can only assume was related to somebody my whore of a great grandmother welcomed with open legs. Enjoy:
Hello, this is the diary of Captain Montgomery Stillwell - but you can call me Wolfbeard. And this is my life story. Well, the Cliff Notes at least. My real life story is much too long, like that of Zeus's cock. As a child, I was diagnosed with an uncommonly rare, esoteric disease called Redundancy Disorder Syndrome. At the age of ten, I was attacked by a bear and lost a leg. What a bear was doing in my shower still remains a mystery. After the incident, I got a peg leg and was unable to continue my living as a New Hampshire prostitute (due to the splinters) so I became a Fishing Boat captain - hence the name. On the side, I became fascinated with onomatapea and started writing poetry- you may have read some of my books: "Stars in the Night Sky"; "Petal of a Wildflower"; and my best selling, "Crazy Rhino Sex, Snorting Coke & The Kamasutra: Ten things you need to know to be a good garbageman" - just to name a few. I was circumcized, but not until I was 19, because my Viking Warrior girlfriend Olga had never seen one the way God intended. At the age of 21, she crushed my pelvis during sex - it's not what you think, she dropped an anvil on me while we were trying out a new position- The Wile E. Sex-ote. Now I lay here writing this... the only thing keep me alive in my old age is the hope someone will hear my story... oh, and the dozens of strippers.
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